In January, I had the delight of watching a group of 20 farm employees and managers racing against the clock to change race car tires in Bob Parker’s Pit Crew Challenge.
Parker is a longtime friend and motivational speaker. His Pit Crew Challenge, which features real NASCAR-type race cars and former race car drivers, challenges participants to work together in teams to change tires in pit stop simulations. The idea is to help workers understand what it takes to build a healthy workplace culture.
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I recall the race car drivers smiling as they watched folks forgetting to count out loud as they tightened wheel nuts. Egos and adrenaline kicked in as folks scrambled around, dropping the tire jack or tripping on air gun hoses, failing to remember the instructions or listen to directions from other team members.
Listening well is an intentional skill. So is communicating your thoughts and intentions with others. Are you willing to get better at communicating and at listening? Here are some tips that can help.
Many folks complain their voices aren’t being heard and communication is poor. Do you speak directly and loudly enough to ensure you are heard? Try asking the receiver of your message to paraphrase what you’ve just said or asked for.
It’s been said, “Eyes are the window to the soul.” It is very helpful to look at another person’s eyes when you’re talking to them, yet eye contact is not a skill everyone uses. You can pick up many cues by looking people in the eye.
Parker speaks about the importance of context in communicating. Don’t make assumptions. Double-check what you are hearing and put it in your own words. Try asking, “Did you mean to say this…” or “Tell me in a different way” or “I still don’t understand what you want me to do — please explain.” Keep asking and listening until you have clarity of expectations.
Put your cellphone in your pocket. Talking with someone and texting at the same time is not helpful. Focus on delivering a clear message. Multi-tasking splits your brain in two different directions and will not save you time. Focus on one thing and then execute.
I have a quote on my bookcase that says, “The earth has music for those who listen.” We need to cut out the television, radio and other distracting noises to learn to enjoy quiet and listen.
Many farmers may be suffering from hearing loss if they don’t use wear ear protection on noisy machines, and some may be too stubborn to use hearing aids. If you are hard of hearing, let the listener know. Let them help you hear the conversation better. My dad was deaf in his left ear, and we always knew we needed to be on his right side to have better communication results.
Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life has great insights on how to receive with empathy, which is his code for good listening. Rosenberg says, “empathy occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them.” I challenge you to spread your hand wide open across your face right now. This is symbolic of a conflict filter you are holding towards another farm team member. Those preconceived notions of anger, mistrust, disgust or other conflict keep you from really hearing what the other person is thinking, feeling, needing or wanting.
Rosenberg says, “no matter what others say, we only hear what they are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.”
Here’s an example:Husband: “What good does talking to you do? You never listen.”
Wife: “Are you feeling unhappy with me?”
Rosenberg’s suggestion: “Are you unhappy with me because you were needing _____?”
Wife tries again: “Are you feeling unhappy because you are needing to be heard?”
Wow.
Try this week to listen with empathy. Ask whomever you’re listening to say what it is they are needing at that moment. Just practicing one new piece of language can make a huge difference.
I recall the young farmer and carpenter who told me he was going to make a plaque for his kitchen that read, “Love does not read minds.” We make assumptions about others. Listening to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking is powerful.
Check out the messages you are receiving. Reflecting a message back to the other party gives them time to reflect on what they have said and is also a chance to delve deeper. You might say things like, “Are you reacting to what happened in the shop today?” or “Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more appreciation than you got for keeping the books up to date?” or “Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for saying what I did?”
Rosenberg recommends we first express our own feelings and needs before asking for information. I also find better listening occurs when you check in first to ask the person if they are in the middle of something and is this a good time to talk.
There is a saying, “Be kind to everyone you meet, you have no idea what battles they are facing.”
People in farm families can feel frustrated if they are seeking a greater connection when they speak but do not feel heard. How easy would it be to reflect and say, “Thanks for spending extra time with me to hear my concerns. I feel a lot better now as I feel like my voice has been heard!”
Rosenberg suggests speakers will have received adequate empathy when they sense a release of tension, or when the flow of words has come to a halt. A useful phrase to ask is, “Is there more you wanted to say or is there anything else?”
Once you allow others to fully express themselves, then you can start working on creating solutions.
In 2022 my word for the year was listen. I hope a few of these phrases I’ve included here will help you connect at a deeper level with your family. When communication goes well, express your appreciation. We can all work to fill the emotional bank accounts of our families with better listening.
