Patricia Morgan is a dynamic force for change and my good friend. She’s authored a new award-winning book, Return to Center: Simple Strategies to Navigate Distress, Depression and Disconnection. As farm families brace for or embrace the winter season, I thought we all should be reminded of good practical tools to be emotionally strong and physically well, when commercial messages are singing “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” What if it’s not your reality on your farm?
Here are Patricia’s insights into three states:
Charged: Uncontrolled and disconnected. Your body and nervous system are stimulated to deal with real or perceived danger. This is where you might be triggered or pulled into “survival mode.” Morgan has simple descriptors for feelings (reactive, scared, stressed et cetera) and thoughts, telling a story of unsafe people in an unsafe world. Folks in this state argue, speak loudly, act rough, name-call and worry, with increased heartbeats.
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A rational family sitting down for a budget discussion should raise savings, reduce the risk those savings face when invested, and make a point to keep up with every twist and turn of emerging U.S. tariff and tax policy.
Give up: Depleted and disconnected. When in this state, folks experience loneliness, possible suicide ideation, hopelessness, doubt and hurt. Their story of despair leads to isolation, avoidance, sleep changes and more. Morgan says this is the most concerning state.
Centred: Emotionally safe and connected. Here people feel aligned, capable, compassionate, peaceful and safe. This is the space of possibilities with clarity, curiosity, and thoughts of being worthy and able to solve problems. When in this state, people can regulate themselves and trust themselves and others.
When we bring folks to the table to create a vision for the family and a vision for the farm business, it’s most ideal to have team members who are in a Centred state, being resilient and resourceful. If you are longing to get some clarity of expectations in your farm family, you are wise to get to an emotionally healthy place first and repair the angst and distress of the Charged state or the Give up state. When folks have mental wellness challenges, they don’t think rationally and therefore won’t make rational or good decisions.
I imagine you are reading this while in the centred state. You can see other family members having a hard time letting go of their identity as farm managers as well as letting go of management tasks and some of your farm assets. Morgan advises you to leave the overwhelming Charged state and the stuckness of the Give up state to work toward letting go of chronic distress.
Help to return to centre
Who is in your emotional support group? Who has the capacity to learn the skills of experiencing a wide range of emotions without becoming triggered? Who can help you stay calm in the storm of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours? Who exhibits calm during the “pain of not knowing outcomes” when you are trying to get more certainty in your transition? If no one in your family or circle has the skill to return to centre, maybe you need to see a therapist.
Morgan is a clinical counsellor who believes in practical tools, such as the SODA method shown here. You can use it when you are in public places like the auction mart or the accountant’s office after you learn some concerning information.
The SODA method
- Stop whatever you’re doing or thinking.
- Observe. Notice your breathing muscles, and nerve endings.
- Detach from your thoughts. Focus on your breath.
- Affirm you are OK. Tell yourself, “I am safe.”
I remember the shock of a highly conflicted brother when he witnessed his business partner (his brother) having a full-blown panic attack during a family meeting. He thought his brother was having a heart attack. He did not realize how highly charged his sibling was due to years of stress and unresolved tensions in the business. You might be thinking, at this moment, of a never-discussed or never-resolved “harvest blowup.”
As farmers we need to manage our emotional states. Connecting with nature is what we do when we are in the fields or in the pastures, but do we really observe and pay attention to ways to feel more grounded?
You may have seen the stickers with square bale pictures to encourage us to breathe around the perimeter of the bale with “box breathing.” Here is how that works:
- Inhale for four counts.
- Hold your breath for four counts.
- Exhale for four counts.
- Wait for four counts.
- Repeat.
Morgan, meanwhile, suggests taking a cold shower or splashing icy water on your face to cool down.
Research indicates icy water may have a positive effect on recovery after exercise, reducing inflammation and soreness. As per the Mayo Clinic Health System, it also may help build resiliency, restore balance to the nervous system and improve cognitive function and mood. I’ve been hearing many next-generation farmers on podcasts talking about their daily cold plunge routine. Well, it’s cooling down outside now so maybe a walk down the lane will also work.
Music is a powerful tool to activate the nervous system and move energy. Sing along with the Christmas carols on Spotify or get involved with your local carollers this season. Start making a great playlist that is unique to you. I play Pharell Williams’ “Happy” on my way home from a speaking event. I also am asking the next generation to share their playlists with me so I can appreciate what gives them energy.
This season of family gatherings can also make those in the Give up state feel alone. Morgan invites you to connect with emotionally safe people, make eye contact and speak to them about anything. Eyes are the window to the soul, so eye contact is important for helping people feel seen and heard.
Use your phone to reach out by text or email to someone who you feel safe with. Simon Sinek uses the code phrase “Have you got eight minutes?” when he texts friends for support. The code phrase tells the receiver of the message to pick up now! Eight minutes of conversation may be your best tool to help you return to centre.
Another helpful hint is to ask, “Are you hungry or thirsty?” Young children’s behaviour changes when they need to eat and drink, and the same is true for Grandpa. Morgan recommends chewing gum or eating something. She says the idea is to bring your body out of the numbness of the Give up state.
Morgan also encourages us to put routines in place that support connection and engagement, such as nature, animals and particularly other people.
Lastly, comparison is a joy stealer. Don’t let December’s expectations of gifts, gatherings and cookie exchanges get you down. Look at the strategies that work for you to get you back to centre. Buy Patricia Morgan’s book for your family Christmas list and The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk.
