My four-year-old daughter walks into the bathroom without knocking, just as I am getting out of the shower. “Daddy’s being mean!” she cries. She continues to explain what just happened between her and my husband, a one-sided story that has no context and is skewed by her exaggerated emotions. I hear my husband calling from the kitchen to defend himself at her accusation. At one point the two of them are talking to me at the same time, trying to convince me to take a side.
I decide to take a coach approach by putting the creation of a solution back on them. Although I love helping my daughter, who takes every opportunity to show off her independence, I try not to get involved when she and my husband are working out an issue. Of course, aligning with my husband to provide clear guidelines and boundaries for our children as a team has been the key to surviving parenthood together. But when the two of them have a disagreement about something small that doesn’t need to involve me, I try to stay out of it. It is almost too easy to jump in and save them, to stop the arguing by giving them an idea of how to move forward. Yet I know that this will not further their bond as father and daughter.
How does Mom end up in the middle of every argument?
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Too often as a coach I see farm families where Mom seems to be involved with every disagreement that arises. Whether attempting to be neutral as a mediator, or making matters worse by giving family members the wrong information about each other, mothers often allow themselves to be in the middle of family members. This may be a long-standing pattern that starts when siblings are just kids or be a new dynamic that is created when an in-law joins the family. It can be common for Mom to feel like a safe space to vent, troubleshoot issues or just find out information about another family member. Some farm families I have coached consider their mother to be the “glue” that holds things together, the person who ensures everyone is informed about family events or takes every child’s wants into consideration when planning out the future of the farm.
Yet as folks discover in farm succession coaching, allowing each person to have a voice, to say what they need and to have the opportunity to address conflicts directly with other family members is a powerful process.
No one likes conflict. No one likes to watch others in conflict, especially those they love. I think this is especially challenging for Mom. As a mother myself, my heart aches when my children are fighting. But the more I try to get in between them, the fewer chances they have to learn the skills of listening to the other person’s needs or voicing their own.
As a bit of a conflict nerd, I believe conflict can help people become closer in relationships. By working through a disagreement, each person has the opportunity to learn about the other person and also feel more understood by them.
Here’s how your family can help Mom when she’s in the middle:
Flatten those triangles
When two family members are not able to have effective communication, they often turn to someone else to hear them out. Many times this is Mom. Once Mom hears both sides of the story, she may decide to “help” the situation by giving each family member insight into the other person’s wants or needs. And now you have a triangle, with Mom in one corner as the mediator and the other two parties talking more to her than they are to each other. This can only increase the chances of misunderstandings, since the messages are being filtered through Mom.
Mom, when someone is coming to you to talk about another family member, you need to encourage them to go directly to that person with their concerns. Flatten that triangle by encouraging those you love to talk to each other! For a more in-depth look at how triangles breed conflict, check out episode 31 of the Farm Family Harmony podcast, in which my colleague Crisol and Elaine discuss the Karpman Drama Triangle.
Set boundaries for how farm talk comes up at family gatherings
When the family is getting together for a meal or event, Mom often wants members to come without bringing all of the shop talk and field baggage with them. It can be exhausting to constantly think (or fight) about the farm, and doing so when the family is all together can have the biggest impact on Mom.
Everyone is responsible for setting boundaries to help out Mom, which essentially looks like guidelines for how the farm is talked about when the family is together. Use humour to combat the creeping in of the shop talk by having a code word (or a swear jar?) to hold everyone accountable to these guidelines. Remember, we are people who have identities and interests outside of the farm — yes, even Dad.
Generate effective communication in meetings
Whether it’s an operational meeting to clarify roles on the farm or an annual family meeting to keep non-farming children informed, effective communication through regular meetings can help keep Mom out of the middle.
As a coach I see farm families struggle to stick to a schedule for meetings, so give yourself grace when planning and set the dates based on the best availability for everyone. Sometimes coming together for an hour to address ongoing or recent issues is better than trying to make a strict schedule. If Mom is the organizer, that’s OK, but know she is not the only one responsible for keeping track of what needs to be discussed!
