I’m going to be honest, there are certain things about the holidays that I dread. Not only does the minimalist inside of me cringe at all of the stuff that is advertised, sometimes as early as September, but this time of year brings on an underlying pressure to feel happy. Soundtracks and store banners imply that joy should come naturally, when in reality it may not be exactly what everyone wants to feel.
For many folks the holidays can be a difficult season. Surrounded by merriment, many people experience loneliness, heartache for previously strong but now broken family connections, or the emptiness felt from the loss of loved ones. Several farming families I have coached have found Christmas time to be difficult as they are still navigating farm transition conversations with some unresolved conflicts. Even for those who have family and friends to spend time with, gatherings focused on desserts and gift-giving cannot distract a farmer who is worried about the price of wheat or how to rewrite the will. Just when things have slowed down and you are reflecting on how stressful harvest was because of the ill-timed rain, someone wishes you “peace and joy.” The last thing you likely need is someone telling you “it’s the most wonderful time of year” while handing you a holiday card full of smiling faces.
What is it about joy that makes it difficult to feel?
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I can’t say I’ve met a lot of farmers who have talked openly about moments of joy, I think because farming is so unpredictable in nature. In her book Atlas of the Heart, which is essentially an encyclopedia of emotions, Brene Brown defines joy as a “feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure and appreciation.” This is an emotion that a farmer may have difficulty embracing at times, given the challenges of running a business at the mercy of Mother Nature. Brown adds that joy is “the most vulnerable human emotion” because people have a hard time allowing themselves to “lean into good news [and] wonderful moments … because we believe if we allow ourselves to feel joy, we are inviting disaster.” Brown calls this “foreboding joy” — the idea that in a moment of potential happiness, we are waiting for something bad to happen. You may have experienced this at harvest time when your crop is coming in and you are seeing better yields than you expected. You want to feel hopeful in the moment — maybe even happy — but instead you think about and anticipate something bad happening that could affect your bottom line.
What if, this holiday season, we give ourselves a break from the pressure to feel joy if it’s not working for us? One alternative could be focusing on contentment, a state of being that Brown calls “the feeling of completeness, appreciation and ‘enoughness’ that we experience when our needs are satisfied.” Brown explains that “contentment is about satisfaction, and that, ironically, is an unsatisfying idea for a lot of people.” In a world that seems obsessed with over-the-top moments of happiness and seeking out all of the ways to buy and experience these moments, it can be hard to allow ourselves to feel just… fulfilled, not more or less. Think about the time you saw your neighbour’s new combine and thought, Wouldn’t I be happier if I had one? Brown concludes with “If we’re not satisfied with our life as a whole, does this mean we need to go and get and do the stuff that will make us satisfied… or does this mean we stop taking for granted what we have so we can experience real contentment and enoughness?”
I have seen many farm families experience contentment together after their second family meeting where we facilitate dialogue. Any tensions felt at the first meeting have decreased thanks to us addressing major conflicts that were previously not being talked about constructively. Everyone has had his or her voice heard, has expressed thoughts and feelings openly and has been able to share a hope or vision for the farm. There are no unrealistic outlooks giving false hope or pressure to be happy with anticipated changes to come. What is felt by those in the meeting is an appreciation for where the farm is at now, even without the new combine, and a sense of sufficiency because the family has realized keeping the farm and family intact is more important than buying the newest model.
Here are some ways to feel more content this holiday season:
Share the tough moments
When someone reaches out to wish you that “Merry Christmas” don’t be afraid to admit that it was a tough year. Just because it’s implied that the holidays are meant to be joyful, you can give yourself grace if that’s not how it feels.
Celebrate the small wins
You may not have figured out the perfect crop rotation for that new seed variety but you got through another growing season in good health. There is so much to appreciate on the farm when things are working well, even when the new or bigger goals are not yet accomplished.
Practice gratitude
I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but research shows gratitude can improve sleep, mental health, physical wellbeing and more. Robert Emmons, a professor of psychology at the University of California, explains that gratitude helps us appreciate what we have instead of seeking out new things to make us happy. He writes, “gratitude makes us appreciate the value of something… we’re less likely to take it for granted.” While this practice may seem oversimplified, research has shown that adopting small habits of expressing gratitude, individually or in teams, can have a big impact.
