The green of spring and summer in this country goes by far too quickly. Our eldest granddaughter turned six two months ago, which means I have just 12 summers left before she launches at 18.
Yes, time is going by, and many farms may share this situation. As Mom and Dad age on the farm, the next generation needs certainty in planning for their future. The needs of the parents must also be recognized to ensure their well-being.
Emotions affect planning. Feelings drive our decision-making. How can we use the expression of emotion to figure out better conflict resolution?
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When people want some influence and agency to try something new, and are faced with “This is the way the grandparents always did it,” enthusiasm and creativity can be dampened.
“Good luck, Elaine, with getting my parents to share their true feelings!” is something I’ve heard. I’m taking up the challenge, using my Conflict Dynamic Profile guide to seek out an answer. This is an online tool we use in coaching to determine positive conflict behaviour.
People who are good at expressing emotions respond to conflict by talking honestly with the other person about their thoughts and feelings. This is helpful for more effective and accurate communication between the two parties.
READ MORE: Succession plans: address the underlying issues
People who express emotions generally feel better about the conflict resolution process when they have a chance to make themselves understood by the other party. Honest communication of thoughts and feelings contributes to this.
So how can we encourage compassion and empathy from folks who are “closed up?” This could be a father who’s reluctant to let go or accept help managing the farm.
One way is to ask questions with curiosity and no judgment.
“I am just curious, Dad. It seems you are hesitant to talk about stepping back without stepping away. How is this making you feel? Are you afraid? Do you feel stuck? Are you disappointed? Overwhelmed?”
The goal here is to let your dad know you need his transparency and honesty to communicate more fully about his expectations and yours. Be careful with your tone of voice. Be kind and gentle.
FIND EFFECTIVE LANGUAGE
Have a look at the emotions wheels from Human Systems Co. These models can help you find more effective language to express what you are feeling in discussions with your family. We need to help everyone understand a wider range of feelings beyond mad, glad and sad.
Get clear on your own thoughts and the feelings you want to communicate. Conflict produces an avalanche of emotions, so think about what you want to express.
You might write your thoughts in a word document and compose a script or letter to deliver. For a good starter, click here to see how crafting a letter to get unstuck could be beneficial.
Choose your words carefully. Keep them courteous and respectful.
“I am frustrated and disappointed because we are not getting to the table to talk about what the future of this farm looks like for both of our families. I was promised this ______ and time is flying by. I only have 12 summers left with our oldest child, and I am still not a shareholder in this business. I need certainty of equity for my family.”
Clarify the emotions Dad and Mom have expressed.
READ MORE: Five habits for a successful farm succession
“You said you don’t know what you want. When will you know? You said you feel pushed. I suspect you are angry because your silence is deafening. We cannot create solutions for the future if you will not talk to create solutions.”
Instead, try saying, “I don’t think you meant to shut us down, but it sounds as if what you said was ______.”
Keep reaching out to gain information from your dad about how well he understands what you are trying to express. Anger is a secondary emotion stemming from fear, hurt and frustration.
“I can sense you are angry, Dad. Where is it coming from? Can you tell me why this is so hard for you to address? We have a wonderful family and a great future here for all of us. What do you need in this moment that you are not getting?”
LEADERSHIP QUALITIES
We all need to be leaders on our farms. Nancy Tout, chief scientific officer for the Global Institute for Food Security, says great leaders need to show up with these qualities:
- compassion
- communication
- optimism
- authenticity
- courage
- confidence
- empathy
- creativity and innovation
- collaboration
- humour
- self-care (including your own mental wellness)
Leading your family from the seat you occupy, whether you are the founders, the successors or the grandparents, is your choice. Take up the challenge of getting better at expressing your emotions to resolve tension and conflict within your farm team.
Dads who read these seeds of encouragement may feel “called out” but it is not the intent.
Everyone gets to take responsibility for their communication and responses to hard conversations.
Conflict avoidance, the silent treatment, a lack of leaning into leadership to drive the transition process — these are choices. As a coach, I am here to light the way to other options for success.
You choose.
Are you ready to start sharing your true feelings and emotions in a safe, respectful place to empower everyone in the family circle to create certainty for their future?
READ MORE: Farmers should expect ownership succession rule changes
I have had the gift of seeing men’s tears in my presence. The safe space created by coaching helps eyes leak when the “pain of not knowing the future” becomes too great. It is good to show emotion and have someone listen, so you feel heard.
I invite you to use the time in the fishing boat, by the campfire and in the hayfield to share deeper emotions this summer. You may have less than 12 summers left. Do it now.
