I received a lengthy LinkedIn message from a woman concerned about her farming daughter who lives six hours south, far away from her former life in the city. It strikes a chord with me as I recall the teary eyes of young female agricultural leaders who express sadness at their lack of emotional support for things that really matter to them.
I have always considered my empathy as a gift to share and a driver to be an encourager. The lessons of The Great Pause have taught us a deep longing for connection. We seek richness in our relationships and a desire to be understood. Mental wellness is a key goal for everyone who has chosen to farm and manage off-farm jobs while raising children and caring for aging parents.
My LinkedIn friend said, “Many women who move to remote farms in their husband’s family lose many of the options their urban friends still have.” Yes, but I would add that comparing your life to others, especially on Instagram, is a joy stealer. When you are planted in a remote rural area, or are far away from city friends, you must be very intentional about creating a new life that aligns with your values and goals. Hopefully, you had some fruitful direct conversations about these core beliefs with your spouse or partner before you said yes to moving onto the farm.
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My LinkedIn friend also told me she would write a book about “moving into someone’s past. How many young women understand the concept of moving into someone else’s past?”
This is an interesting thought. I live in the childhood home of my husband, Wes, which was built in 1960 when his parents sold two quarters of land to secure $12,000 to build the house. In 2020, we thought we were moving to town, but plans changed when our son decided to buy a new home just across the shelterbelt from us.
Housing is a great example of navigating the stories, emotions and memories attached to the main farmyard. Wes and I did not own our home for the first 11 years of our marriage, and when we finally got title, the renovations began.
So, how to find what works best for navigating lonely, epic life changes? For me it was finding a robust church community of folks who walk alongside us in the good times and in bad. It is also part of my routine to pick up my phone and reach out to college friends who live across Canada. They sometimes visit the farm, but regardless I stay connected to folks who can fill my emotional bank account, marvel at the adventures of farm life, and ask if I need prayer.
Here’s some constructive advice for young women with lonely hearts:
1. Know what fills your emotional bank account. Relationships are one of my top seven values. I work on connecting, and even when the relationship feels a bit one-sided, I get to choose if I want to continue to reach out. What does “self-care” mean to you?
2. Find mentors close to the farm. For me, it was Frances McCausland Stobbe Sawatsky, a nurse who farmed and had married into the Mennonite culture. She is an Englander, just like me, and she became like an adopted mom to me very early on in my marriage, as my mom was more than three hours away. Frances is 90 now and lives 20 miles away, and we still have phone visits.
3. Cherish your marriage. The Alpha marriage course was a great resource for myself and Wes. Another helpful resource is Only You Forever, which offers Zoom counselling for people across the Prairies. My friends Dan and Carol Ohler run retreats for farm couples in Sangudo, Alta., and they also have a great podcast about relationship design. You can find them at danandcarol.com.
4. Journal. Write your thoughts in a private journal to process what is happening in your life. Take time to reflect and list reasons to be grateful. Avoid hanging out in Facebook groups for farm wives, where I believe you’ll find lots of angry discussions about spouses not paying attention to needs, but little in the way of solutions. As author Brené Brown would say, “What is the story you are telling yourself?” Are you feeling trapped, misunderstood, taken for granted? What is your role in change? What questions are you asking others? What choices do you have to create a fuller, more intentional life?
5. Consider therapy or coaching. If you are in trauma or suffering a mental illness episode, you need to reach out for professional help and treatment. The National Farmer Mental Health Alliance (NFMHA) has developed an ag-informed course to help therapists understand the realities of farm life. Visit its website to check out NFMHA resources. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness — it is a strategy of wisdom. Folks will not know how you are struggling with your new life in a remote rural area if you keep silent. Depression can rise from hard circumstances, so don’t suffer along. Reach out!
6. Be patient and manage your expectations. Your spouse and his family cannot meet all of your needs. What can you do to “fill your well?” Understand it takes time and intention to build a sense of connection and community. When we were raising young children, a group of us young moms made a point to get together regularly for play times at the lake. I also had a friend who left her son with me on Tuesdays, and I left my son with her on Thursdays. These blocks of bartered time gave each of us “adult time” to renew and refresh the many roles we manage daily on the farm.
7. Farm families are comfy with their history. As an import into the family, you are the new kid on the block so to speak and are joining an existing dynamic, which may be a lot different from that of your own family of origin. There are many unwritten rules in farm families, which you can unpack with powerful questions. Ask, “I am just curious, why is it so important to you to ___________?” Fill in the blank. Come from curiosity, not judgement. Different is not wrong, it is just different. Your in-laws may not see the importance of being welcoming and inclusive. If you’d like more tips, check out my book Farming’s In-Law Factor.
8. Contribute to your community. Volunteer at church or at your local ice rink. Shine your light and share your gifts in serving others. The folks you serve will have stories to share with you. My LinkedIn friend says, “You can never go wrong with contributing to your community. It may not be anything huge, but just shine your little light where you can. By contributing, you’ll make new connections and feel great at the end of the day!”
