Sharing love maps

“When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, your hopes for the future. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams,” Gottman writes.

As you talk about aging in place on your farm, are you sharing your inner world with your spouse? What does a good day on the farm look like to you as you age and your health shifts? I like to ask my farmer husband what he is looking forward to in the next year. Three or four times a week I will check in and ask if he’s OK and how he’s feeling.

Nurturing fondness and admiration

Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of The Five Love Languages. I think this book should be required reading for all couples. You can grab it on Audible.

My love language is words of affirmation and meaningful touch. My husband doesn’t want a card: he wants action, acts of service like hot meals or cleaning his pickup truck. This caused some tension for readers when I wrote an earlier blog post titled “How to love your farmer.” Farmers are male and female. We can have stronger marriages and relationships when we choose to care for each other. Unfortunately, some couples feel like one side of the couple is doing most of the heavy lifting. Talk about this and resolve to change your attitudes and actions.

Turning toward each other, instead of away

Recently on a beach holiday I used a harsh tone of voice for my displeasure in not being able to find which direction my husband had gone. He apologized for assuming I knew where he was, and then he walked away from me talking. This demonstrated his need for me to be facing him closely, turned toward him when we are communicating. Old habits may not be helpful to better communication. Turn toward each other, make eye contact and patiently listen attentively without formulating your answer too quickly. Are you turned toward your spouse? Can you let the light in your eyes communicate love and appreciation?

Letting your partner influence you

How open are you to feedback from your spouse? Lesley Kelly and her husband Matt use a great tool of numbering how they are feeling from a scale of one to 10. ‘10’ is great and a ‘2’ means not good. This helps them communicate clearly about the next steps to support and influence each other’s mental wellness. Read more on Lesley’s web site.

This numbering system is also outlined in Michael Pantalon’s book Instant Influence, when you need to peg down the exact distance between your perspective and someone else’s.

I had the honour of hearing Lesley speak in November at the StrongHer Together Conference at Fort Benton, Montana. Lesley has many practical tools for navigating farm life and the mantra her dad gave her is “You are stronger than you think.”

Solving your solvable problems

Some problems or challenges are polarities: things that will never be totally solved but need to be managed. The dance between work on the farm and the need for family time or play will never be totally solved, but it needs to be addressed with creative solutions that give families time to grow, as well as attention to farm work.

Creating solutions is a positive conflict behaviour. Instead of ranting on social media about how terrible your life is on the farm with workaholics, what solutions are you both willing to create? How can you employ a set of “fresh eyes” to see options for a different way of being and doing things? Is it time to hire a coach or facilitator to help you employ new actions?

Overcoming gridlock

Gottman has also used the term “make quick repair.” I like this approach. When there is conflict, are you walking away with avoidance, or are you leaning in to offer your perspective, create solutions and express your emotions in a respectful way to resolve the gridlock? Our team can provide an online assessment for $55 per person with the conflict dynamic profile, to help you be more self-aware of your positive and destructive conflict behaviours. It also helps you understand what your hot buttons are. My hot buttons are folks who are aloof and will not talk with me, and those people who don’t show up on time or meet deadlines; they are unreliable.

Creating shared meaning together

Gottman suggests rituals of connection (like how we start and end our day), roles, life goals and values.

When our goals and values are aligned as a couple, we are like a well-matched team of work horses pulling in the same direction. I am curious: when was the last time you sat down, as a couple, to talk about what currently gives your life purpose and meaning? Seeing the long game ahead with joyful anticipation is a healing story, but dread for the future is stressful. Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life.”

Do you have good things to anticipate this year as a couple? Connection with family, friends, neighbours? Celebrations? Community involvement? Are there things to navigate differently as your roles on the farm are changing? Are your money scripts and financial roles aligned?

If you are ready to process two other great books to enhance your marriage, pick up Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and Nonviolent Communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.

Farm marriages navigate the seasonal changes of a farming year — and they also need to be adaptable to the changing needs and role expectations of each spouse. Ask our coaching team to help you find harmony through understanding with coaching facilitation.

The post Making marriage work on your farm appeared first on Grainews.

As a coach with training in conflict resolution and mediation, I have gleaned some skills to pass on to you to change the nature of conflict or fighting on your farm.

Conflict is not bad. Unresolved conflict is hurtful, frustrating and diverts good management energy towards drama. Just because there is drama on your farm, you don’t have to attend the performance. It’s time for new tools.

[More with Elaine Froese]

If I could wave a magic wand over your head and give you superpowers to navigate tough conversations in your kitchen, here’s what I would show you.

1. Love does not read minds. You might think holding your “cards close to your chest” is prudent, but it is stupid. I have no idea what you are thinking, feeling, needing or wanting unless you tell me. People need to talk. Everyone needs to listen. Families are meant to be a source of nurture and love, a place to provide roots and wings.

2. Talk with a tone of grace and kindness, not abrasive swearing or yelling. Honey is going to get you much further than a voice filled with vinegar. Listen to yourself. Do you like how you sound? Abrasiveness and profanity are not getting you the results you want.

3. Share your intent. Intentions are hidden in our brains and come out when we share why we want certain things. Many of you have heard my cookie story where I talk about my nasty, interfering mother-in-law who puts baking in my freezer for her son while I am away speaking. Or you remember the nice mother-in-law who blesses me by putting baking in the freezer to support me when I am away and cannot bake for my husband, her son. The intention of my mother-in-law was not to be interfering — it was to be helpful. It is the same action, putting baking in the freezer, but the intents can be read two different ways. How about starting a sentence with, “It is not my intent, Mom and Dad, to sound greedy or entitled. I just need to know the plan for us as a younger couple to find a way to build equity on this farm. I need to decrease the anxiety over the uncertainty of my future and my family’s future.”

4. What does everyone want? This is called the common interest. I suspect you all want a harmonious working relationship and a profitable farm. You also want people to have roles that give them meaning and purpose as they age in place on the ranch. You likely don’t want to be in business with non-farm heirs. People usually pull together in the same direction when they are clear about what they want and why. Do you know what you want? For income streams? For housing? For fairness? When the spouses don’t want the same things, you are likely going to get stuck with no plan. One spouse is tired and wants a new life away from the hustle of the farm while the other is not ready to move or let go of decision-making.

5. Pinches are tensions that build and are not resolved. In facilitated family meetings, we have surprise announcements when folks start opening up to talk about what they truly want and why some things — for example, grandfather’s quarter — are so important to them. You may not know anger is simmering in your spouse or your heir, when hurt has been caused without your knowledge. There may also be fear of failure when founders assume the next generation will not be able to manage debt or risk on the farm. Can you identify what is causing you to feel pinched or tense?

6. That was then and this is now. Sometimes conflict is born from unrealistic expectations. In the ’80s and ’90s many folks struggled to keep their farms, and they remember the pain of selling land to settle debt. Fast-forward 40 years and we now have non-farm kids coming back to farm parents asking for large gifts of land. Fighting about expectations over land inheritance is a conflict issue to be addressed, not passed on to the next generation without an explanation of why you want to keep the farmland intact for the farming successors. Where is it written it is your job as parents and founders to keep all your children economically equal? This is not workable. Lawyers can use “poison pill” tools, says lawyer Mona Brown, to make sure land is used for agriculture and not flipped a few short years after the land transfer.

7. Can you be a reconciler? Every conflict resolution story involves someone being willing to acknowledge wrongs done and then work towards creating a solution. When I ask families about their models of forgiveness, they are dumbfounded and may say things like, “We don’t go to church, Elaine.” That is not what I asked. How do you make things right when there is an offense caused, harm done, things broken? Author Gary Chapman writes about saying sorry in The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthier Relationships (co-authored with Jennifer Thomas), but an apology may not be enough. What are you willing to do to make things right? Do you need to change your actions and behaviour? Is restitution necessary? I am deeply disturbed by the sad stories of entire sibling groups not speaking due to fights over land and inheritance. An entire branch of a family tree is severed due to greed, harsh words and lack of forgiveness, along with no wills being read before the benefactor dies. Do you want to be rich in relationships? What are you going to do to learn the skills of reconciliation?

8. Would you invest in outside help to create clear communication? Many farmers are independent types who love to fix things on their own. This may work on your favourite old baler, but it is not a great formula to do it yourself when emotions are running high. The job of a facilitator/coach is to keep the family conversation safe and respectful.

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OK, stay with me on this, but there’s an old saying in advertising that “sex sells.” I can’t say I know of any noteworthy examples in the realm of ag sales, but I’m probably not looking hard enough. 

True Love is another hot commodity nowadays, it seems. If you need any proof, just look at the plethora of reality TV dating programs that populate the airwaves and the streaming services. Many of us know about The Bachelor (26 seasons and counting) or its spinoff, The Bachelorette, but here’s a pop quiz: how many of these current or recent dating shows are you aware of? 

• The Celebrity Dating Game • Love Island
• Married at First Sight
• Love is Blind 
• Sexy Beasts 

I admit I know none of them. In my defence, though, watching sports on the tube is about how deep I’m prepared to dive into the reality pool. My apologies to Jim Lange and every one of his ilk, but dating shows have never really been my thing. 

At this point, you’re probably wondering what I’m nattering on about, or what any of this has to do with farming. Well, I’m glad you asked. 

Farmers, I’m sure we all agree, deserve True Love as much as anyone. Perhaps even more so, considering all of the sacrifice that’s required and how demanding and vexing farming can be at times. Too often, there’s simply not enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs doing, let alone find that special someone. 

If this sounds like you, don’t lose heart — you could be a perfect candidate for Farming for Love. 

The new reality show (or unscripted, as they’re otherwise called) starts production soon in British Columbia and will air on CTV. It’s based on another dating show that I didn’t know about, The Farmer Wants a Wife, and the premise is having urban singles work to win the hearts of assorted rural folks who are searching for soulmates. 

“As they live and work together, the daters must adjust to a new lifestyle, and immerse themselves in a series of challenges, group activities and intimate one-on-one dates with the goal of finding their one true love,” is how CTV describes the show. 

The country lonely hearts in the 10-episode first season of Farming for Love were selected from an open casting call that took place earlier this year. They include grain, dairy and agritourism farmers, ranchers, a horse trainer and a vintner — you can check out their profiles on the Farming for Love website. 

Here’s a sampling from a press release on Farming for Love: 

Farmer Dave: Dave is a 32-year-old grain and livestock producer originally from South Africa who runs two farms on Vancouver Island. “With his business up and running, he’s looking for a kind- hearted woman with a sense of humour to complete his life.” 

Farmer Gurleen: Gurleen is a 34-year-old farmer who is “equal parts grit and glam” and is the creative force behind her family’s thriving berry and agritourism business. “She is a proud South Asian female working alongside her family, and any potential mate must love them as much as she does.” 

Farmer Adam: Adam is a 49-year-old cowboy who often moves from ranch to ranch in B.C.’s cattle country. “Adam’s horse, Dave, and his dog, Annie, are his trusted companions — but now he’s ready to settle down for true love.” 

Can Dave, Gurleen and Adam find the man/ woman of their dreams? I guess we’ll have to tune in to find out. I hope they do, and I’ll be one of those checking out Farming for Love to see what happens. 

Of course, what happens over a 10-episode season arc is really only the prequel. A successful long-term relationship, like farming, takes a serious commitment and a lot of hard work. It’s one thing to plant the seeds of romance but it’s quite another to navigate and nurture a relationship through the droughts and storms of life and all the other ups and downs.

The post Editor’s Column: Love on the farm  appeared first on Grainews.

Recently during a family meeting as we passed around the talking stick (my beanie baby bull) a family member said, “You really don’t understand what it is like to be me do you?”

The talking stick is a tool I use to help folks share their perspectives without interruption. You may laugh and think it is silly, but I have a dairy farmer who grabs an empty plastic water bottle out in the barn when he calls a decision-making meeting on the fly.

When you can respond to conflict by trying to put yourself in the other person’s position and understand the other person’s point of view you will have many insights.

• You may become aware of new information.

• You might have new ways to interpret information that you would never have perceived otherwise.

• You will increase your knowledge base.

• You will make the other person feel you are taking their concerns seriously which results in the other person feeling understood. (Daughters-in-law would love this!)

• You will often be seen as agreeable, open minded and an effective farm team member.

How do you get better at making the other folks on your farm feel understood?

1. Identify the weaknesses in your own position or approach. Prepare folks for meetings without interruption. Don’t try to have important conversations when you are intensely trying to get farm work done. Block time for a meeting in a quiet space. Approach the conversation with:

“I have some things I would like to get your input on. When can we sit down and figure this out? What time would work for you? I’ll need an hour.”

2. Imagine how and why the other person came to hold their position. Farm dads are aging in place and may have some unspoken fears. They also carry stories about how things should be in their heads, and you may have to ask some powerful questions to pull their thoughts out into a conversation you can unravel. Are they afraid of failure? Do they have a scarcity mindset? Do they have very low emotional intelligence and are not aware of their poor listening skills?

3. Imagine what the other person is trying to accomplish. Many farm dads and moms just want family harmony. Unfortunately, they have not taken responsibility for showing favouritism to one farming child while shutting other farm partners out. If the family is just trying to show the community how wonderful they are without doing the work of resolving inner family conflict, the pretence will not hold. Ask, “What is it you truly want? What are you trying to accomplish? From my perspective you are making assumptions about what I want because you have not listened to my wants and needs, and you have not asked me what I want!” The ebb and flow of conversation needs to go both ways. It also helps to reframe or recap what you thought who heard the other person saying and get them to confirm you caught it correctly.

4. Imagine what the other person thinks you are trying to accomplish. “What do you really think about what I want? Are you perceiving me as selfish and entitled? Are you aware your inability to step back and give up the reins of control for this farm are keeping us stuck, and in turmoil? I just want to have some degree of control to make management decisions and ultimately to have a plan for our future equity as partners in this farm business. I want to accomplish a better way of communication in a more formalized setting with regular meetings. I don’t want the uncertainty of our future to continue. I want to celebrate being a family without your demands around how we all should be behaving. We are all adults here. We need to be accountable for our bad behaviour and choose to be curious about what other farm team members are wanting and needing.”

Give the other person your full and undivided attention when they are speaking. Do not turn your back or sit sideways. Observe the eyes and face, as the eyes are the “window to the soul.”

The mouth, eyebrows and forehead give you clues about emotional states.

Instead of offering your opinion quickly, dig deeper, asking questions that invite the other person to explain the reasons behind his or her position. Be curious. “I am just curious what you meant when you said… tell me more!”

If you don’t understand, admit it, and ask for further explanation.

Acknowledge the other’s position without agreeing with it by saying, “That’s an interesting point of view,” or, “Many people have that same position.”

Never interrupt. Use the talking stick to hold the floor and pass it on when you are finished sharing your perspective.

As a Hudson Institute trained coach, I use the age and tasks map to help families understand the various perspectives of different decades.

In your 20s you need to become independent, experience management styles of other farms.

In your 30s you need to master success and navigate your exhaustion raising your family.

In your 40s you need to own equity to have power and control over your destiny on the farm.

In your 50s you need to simplify your life to pay attention to the quality of your life.

In your 60s you start over again as the “helping labour” and work on new roles, shifting management to the next generation. Pay attention to health issues.

In your 70s you focus on mentorship and stepping back without stepping away.

In your 80s you have done wealth transfer and earn respect as a wise elder.

In your 90s you appreciate your legacy and enjoy seeing your impact and influence because you let go decades ago.

Work on walking through the front door of your conflict and seek to understand the other person’s perspective. Sign up for our in-law event at www.iowafarmerswife.com/events.

The post The power of perspective appeared first on Grainews.

It is heartening to me to see many farm dads in 2021 being willing to go for family counselling to heal wounds in the family dynamic that are keeping the farm business stuck. These brave men are no longer willing to hook into the stereotypical image of “just cowboy up,” or “soldier on.” These farm leaders and managers are opening up with vulnerability to find new ways to be a good father, and a team player. Families are starting to understand that the emotional factors affecting planning on their farms need to be addressed.

Leadershift coach Kelly Dobson encourages farmers to work on their internal landscape to have a growth mindset to keep pace with the challenges of agriculture. As Tomlin’s song says, “only God is perfect in all of His ways,” yet we all get to choose if we will work on building stronger character and be a good soul with healthy emotions, mind and will.

Growing stronger internally to be an emotionally strong parent, whether Mom or Dad, requires some self-reflection and better language. Love does not read minds. The family has no idea what is really going on for Dad until he is willing to share his thoughts verbally and disclose what is working for him and what is not.

As I write this encouragement to you I can see in my mind’s eye several clients who have no intention of causing hurt to their hard-working adult children, yet are falling short of the next generation’s expectations. In other columns you have read my prompting to write a letter so you can clarify your thoughts on paper and process your feelings you want to share with your family. Then they can have the time to ponder your written intentions and formulate a careful, kind response. But what then?

In God’s Good Book, Galatians 5:22-23 reveals the fruit of the Spirit: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” This is the character of people who are working on their internal being by the grace of God in His Spirit. Let’s unpack what that could look like on your farm, regardless of your current faith journey.

Farm dads are longing for these things:

1. Respect. As men age, their thinking may shift, and their identity as farmers is challenged when their ideas and opinions are not considered valid. Author Emerson Eggerich (Love and Respect) believes all men have a key need for respect. You can respect your father and still disagree with him. He’ll hear it in the tone of your voice, and how much time you give him to explain his perspective. Love and respect are a team in a strong marriage, and also applicable to showing up with gentleness when you are communicating to either generation on your farm.

2. Time to process. Many farmers are not quick to think on their feet, and they need time to process a myriad of options being thrown at them. The younger fathers who have never been without their smartphones don’t have patience for delayed answers. Work on your self-control and be careful with the words that come out of your mouth, especially in the heat of conflict. Give yourself time to cool down. Clean out your conflict filters and bias towards the other person. Think about creating solutions together in a neutral place like a pickup truck on the edge of a field, not Mom’s kitchen table.

3. Build trust by sharing good intentions. At one point in a heated conversation with a very frustrated young farm dad I asked his father, “Is it your intention to cause harm to your son and his family?” The answer was, “No, not at all, I am trying to help him be successful.” This was not the younger generation’s felt experience, but we had to clearly state intentions in order to start building more trust. The next conversation centred around the practical steps the father would take to build trust. “Dad, you have to keep me in the loop. I can’t be the last one to know what is going on with your new plans!”

4. Patience, which can also be translated as “long suffering.” Suffering in father-son, father-daughter relationships has been the focus of books like Healing the Father Wound by Dr. Norman Wright and The Father Factor by Stephen Poulter. Less than 20 per cent of fathers would be considered “compassionate mentors,” according to Poulter, but it is a great goal to have. When we get impatient we create accidents, mistakes, and fuel a lack of confidence. Instead of sputtering with disgust, how about a language shift? “By when Dad, can I expect that to be done?” Those two small words, “by when,” are very powerful for any generation to employ. You are managing expectations and not working from impatience or hostility.

5. Hope in a positive future outcome. This is the opposite of the fear of failure. Men and women who have put in 44 crops in good times and in bad are seasoned in the cycles of agriculture. They have wisdom and experience. Many are willing to forgo their own dreams and goals in order for the next generation to get a good kick-start to be successful. The Good Book says that, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). How are you planting seeds of hope on your farm?

I believe we are all capable of growing our character to be good, good people.

Tell your dad in a very special way this year how much you appreciate him while you still can.

The post Froese: Growing to be a good, good father on the farm appeared first on Grainews.

I use the words “deal with entitlement.” It’s that Undiscussabull, the bull in the middle of your farm family transition plan that many folks are avoiding talking about. That stops today. 

Help for dealing with greed and entitlement is needed for the founders, the successors, and your widowed mom who is being bullied by strong voices who are not happy with how farm assets may be transferred or sold. 

Entitlement is defined as, “I deserve this special treatment.” Greed is defined as,“wealth desire in excess of needs.”The sense of entitlement may come from a farming heir who has put in a lot of years and hours on the farm with the promise of being compensated when parents leave, die or let go of management. Greed rears its ugly head when a non-farm heir kidnaps Grandma, the widow, forgets her father’s gift of property worth $1M and starts feeding Grandma new options for changing her will that used to forgive the farm debt upon her death. I am not making this up, this is a true current scenario that I have permission to share. 

“Money is personal,” says financial psychologist Dr. Moira Somers (moneymindandmeaning.com). It affects relationships, comes with feelings of high emotion, fuels our hopes and dreams, and gives us a sense of well-being. It also plays with our ego and self-esteem. “What does money mean to you?” is a great conversation starter to get a handle on why you are fighting about inheritance expectations. 

Farms in 2021 are perceived to be the Golden Goose, giving great net worth to the successor. The problem is increasing land values do not mean there is more cash in the bank. The land is not intended to be sold for decades, or ever, as the farming generation needs land to service debt and grow. 

Entitlement is fuelled when there is regret from Generation 2 for leaving the farm, and they now have changed their mind on what they left behind. They seem to think that Mom should hand over wealth now to make things more “fair.” Does this resentful heir also want to help pay off the $5M his farming brothers owe on the new barn? (Another true story.) 

Founders fear the next generation will flip the valuable land and cash out. Lawyers can mitigate this with “poison pill” strategies (lawyer Mona Brown’s term) to prevent one heir having financial advantage. There is also fear around divorce and the spouse going after farmland, which too can be managed with marriage contracts. 

Fighting over land, houses and machinery transfers has to recognize that agriculture has a history of being patriarchal in nature. The girls get cash, are expected to marry well, and the boys get land. Where is that written in 2021? Mix in disrespect for the trained women who run farms, and the secret promises made to favoured adult children and you have a recipe for great conflict. Greed and scarcity thinking are like adding diesel to the fire. You really need to challenge the money scripts of family members that are not workable. 

Here’s some helpful questions to consider to grab the bull by the horns: 

What do you need to be successful? This addresses my thesis on fairness, it is helping everyone be successful. The answers will be different for each couple. 

What does money mean to you? Do you feel that a large gift of money will mean you are valued as a member of this family? What amount of inheritance are you hoping for? 

What is your true desire for the future success of this farm? How do you want to relate to the farmyard and your childhood home when we are finished transferring management and ownership to your brother/sister? 

Do you realize that your sibling has delayed gratification for 11 years, waiting for ownership in this farm business? What farm finances would you like to know about, how much financial transparency do you need? 

What is the story you are telling yourself about how you will feel when we say “no” to your unrealistic expectation? 

Do you realize that I am not DEAD yet? (This was the key learning for an 88-year-old widow who thanked me profusely for reiterating this point in a heated family meeting. She needed a nice place to live and wanted a new car.) 

What is enough? For some folks, just a little more than the rest. For some, whatever you give is never enough. It is what it is. Use my phrase that pays: “That was then, and this is now.” 

“My financial status requires that I protect my wealth for decades to come, and I cannot liquidate assets that I may need when my health changes. Dad is gone, and I need to live.” 

Do-it-yourself thinking may work for building your garage, but not dealing with tense anger around entitlement. 

Don’t keep breaking Mom’s heart. She truly wants family harmony and the ability to see all of her grandchildren. 

Seek help. Recognize that conflict avoidance is not going to create solutions. 

Express your emotions respectfully in a facilitated Zoom farm family meeting. 

Use a lawyer now to update your will, make an enduring power of attorney, and ask about marriage contracts for married successors and common-law partnerships. John Goudy, a CAFA member and farmer who practises law says it is wise to have a lawyer in the proactive stage, not just when things start down the litigation path (jgoudy@scottpetrie.com). 

Do not accept bad behaviour or bullying. Have a united front as parents. 

You can purchase my seminar on dealing with entitled siblings at arlanacademy.com/store. Mom won’t mind if your gift is digital this year. She’ll be thrilled that her family cares as much as she does about finding harmony through understanding. 

Guard your heart. Don’t break Mom’s.

The post Froese: Stop breaking Mom’s heart — deal with your entitlement issues appeared first on Grainews.

Farm marriages don’t need to get lost in fantasy or romantic dreams, but I do think it is time for validation of farm women.

Validation is defined as recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. Flowers, chocolates, country music playlists or other “things” may be on your gift list, but I suspect the most powerful gift you give your spouse this month would be an open ear and time to sit and hear what is really going on for the other person in the union.

I usually hit a really raw nerve of emotion when I ask the farming guy on a coaching call, “When is it her turn to get what she wants?”

This uncomfortable question is released as the aging farm founder is “just fine with the way things are” and his tired spouse is longing for significant changes in her residence, her roles and her income streams. She’s given him her best 45 years or more, and she is tired. The extra restrictions of not being able to see friends or socialize in town has added layers of unwelcome loneliness. He is happy to go sort cows, run augers or organize the shop. She would really like a change of scenery and more laughter with grandchildren and girlfriends.

If the idea of sitting down to listen to your spouse in the quiet of your couch without noise of the laptop, iPad, TV or radio scares you, then perhaps you need to sit alone first.

Many folks don’t have a hot clue what they really want in their life, so life drifts by, sunrise, sunset, quickly go the years. What do you truly want? If you want some prompts, email me for the “What I Want” pdf: elaine@elainefroese.com.

Aging farm women want a lot of different things, and I suspect the common denominator is a richness in relationship, good health, and the ability to do what they want with enough resources to fulfil the needs and wants of aging. I recommend getting a financial planner now.

Coaches find women over 50 typically want to simplify their life and downsize. This is where the desire for less stuff, better organization, and an easier home to manage comes to be a priority. Many farm women over 60 are still keeping books, doing AgriStability and wondering who is next in line for the administration jobs that aren’t so thrilling anymore. A phone call to the local accountant or your digital specialist far away will surprise you as accounting technician work can be done by folks who live miles away! Get a good scanner, and use your online banking.

What are you intentionally doing to affirm with your spouse that their feelings or opinions are valid and worthwhile?

I like it when my hubby says: “You are beautiful and I love you.” This is a great love gift to me as my love language is words of affirmation. No surprise there likely, as I am a writer.

My husband’s love language is acts of service, so he feels loved and affirmed when I do things for him, like cooking hot meals, finding his cellphone, and mending his coveralls after they’ve left some wheat in my washing machine.

A very powerful question for stronger marriages is, “What would you like me to do differently?”

Some folks are longing for the gift of marriage time. Time to sit on the couch with a hot drink and just talk about life, hopes, and frustrations without judgment. A time to survey the state of the union and celebrate the good. A time to reflect on what the “rallying cry” needs to be for the needs of the family for the next 12 weeks before planting.

Many farm women are longing for quiet, some time and space carved out for their needs and wants. Others are looking for fun since the workaholic fuel of COVID has not been quashed, as one trade guy told me in the drugstore lineup, “Elaine, if we can’t play, we might as well just keep working.” That’s a disastrous recipe for emotionally healthy relationships.

You could use this “Great Pause” time to build future travel plans, or just Zoom to the country you are missing. We Zoomed with our Swiss friends recently and they said, “that’s the cheapest trip you will take to Switzerland.” We laughed, shared stories, and felt refreshed. Connection with others is key to building resilience in your marriage.

You may be holding back on asking for what you need in this season of life because you don’t want to appear weak or “needy.” Good grief. Where is it written that it is not OK to ask for what you need? In the “mom’s book of martyrs”?

Try these conversation starters on for size:

• I would like to start shifting some of my current roles, and lighten my load on this farm. Could we try…
• I am curious what the priorities are for the next 12 weeks on this farm. I would like to build in some time for fun…
• I am not sure that I can keep going with the expectations of me working off farm and on farm. I’m finding it harder to manage my energy…
• I’ve called the lawyer to make an appointment to update our wills and power of attorney. We can do this digitally now, we need to make some changes considering our adult children.
• I’ve bought a flip chart and found a talking stick (stuffed toy) so we can start having monthly family business meetings to discuss who wants to live on the main yard, and when. I want us to sit down and listen to all the opinions and needs of each person on our farm team, including the spouses.

Both men and women need validation. Every voice counts. Let’s all work to increase the love and respect factor on our farms. Kiss more.

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No. There are several ways things can go wrong, from arguments about who’s going to mow the lawn to confusion about who’s got signing authority.

While the most common situation is a woman becoming part of her new husband’s family farm, that’s not always the case. Weyburn farmer Mark Bratrud took part in a panel discussion on this topic at the Farm Forum Event in Saskatoon in early December. After starting his careers working at other jobs in the ag industry, Bratrud and his wife, Bobbie, moved from Alberta to Weyburn, Sask., to take over Bobbie’s family farm. Bratrud’s situation was slightly easier than a typical transition because he and his wife were able to expand Bobbie’s father’s farm rather than simply take it over. Bratrud describes it as a “growth takeover.”

Through his experiences with his own farm and his work in the grain industry, Bratrud brought a list of issues that could make things more difficult for a new spouse.

1. Ownership: On some farms, the younger generation does not have legal ownership of many of the farm assets or a clear path to ownership. “Sometimes the son or daughter will be into their 40s and they don’t have ownership,” Bratrud says. For a new spouse looking for certainty, delays in transferring ownership can erode trust in their in-laws. While a son or daughter might be comfortable waiting for change, a new spouse is more likely to bring up the issue.

2. Timelines: Where there is a no solid plan to pass on responsibilities to the next generation, a timeline can keep everyone accountable. For example, setting a five-year goal to bring the younger generation fully into the farm could go a long way to creating a solid foundation with a new daughter- or son-in-law.

3. Defined roles: On a busy farm, it’s important to discuss who’s going to do what. “Everybody brings different strengths,” Bratrud said.

It’s also important to discuss how everyone on the farm will be compensated. Where there is more than one family living on the farm it’s crucial that new in-laws understand how they and their spouse will be paid, and to make sure there is a clear relationship between time put in to the farm and money taken out of the farm.

4. Cash-flow planning: “Everybody has different cash flow needs,” Bratrud says. The older generation may have fewer cash flow needs while the younger generation needs cash to build a house or send kids to university. If there isn’t a clear cash flow plan in place, this can cause conflict. For example, “the older generation may be more prepared to sit on grain,” waiting for a higher price, Bratrud says, while the younger generation needs cash today.

5. Looking at the long term: Even for the most well-adjusted farm families, there will be tough times. When that happens, Bratrud says, “It’s important to be able to pull yourself out of the moment.” Step back from the immediate conflict, and consider the long-term relationship you want to achieve.

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Large farm vegetable gardens: “Where is it written that in order to be a good farm woman you need to grow a garden? Well, that comment by me in front of 300 women in Saskatoon lit a Twitter fire. It is 2018, and there is good food available down the road at the local farmers’ market, the neighbour who has a bountiful garden, and the grocery store that is open seven days a week. Women and men who hate gardening would be wise to let that go.

Just for the record, I like to garden, and I just planted my 37th garden this spring.

My goal is to have you reflect on updating your expectations for the many roles you keep adding to your job list on your farm, whether you are male or female. It might be time to communicate expectation adjustments with your spouse.

The “clean” house. What is workable for the family to function well, and what tasks can be shared by the kids, the other spouse? More young mothers are hiring cleaners, yet some of them are being judged as being lazy. If you have off-farm income and are managing a full line of household duties, you might want to hire help. If you are a stay-at-home mom, you also may want to hire help to help your mental wellness if you are feeling overwhelmed. Or you may want to let go of perfection. I am just saying the cleanliness of the house needs to be negotiated as your stage of family life and the farm life demands may mean adjustments in expectations need to be made. I also recommend picking flooring that is the same colour as dried mud. This is why my back doormat is grey.

Homemade pies and other baking. Farmers love pie. I buy pumpkin pie for under $4 at my CO-OP, the only grocery store in town, and I don’t feel guilty that it is not homemade. When homemade pie is on my plate I am truly grateful to the loving hands that fashioned it (sometimes mine). No one can make you feel guilty without your consent. So, if you’re not a baker, don’t feel guilty about it! I keep a jar of almonds as a snack for my spouse who loves the convenience of nuts when he is famished.

Writing Christmas cards and thank-you notes. I love to get snail mail. I am a writer and love the power of words, especially ones that you can savour in handwritten notes. You do have the time to say thank you to your in-laws or text your friends. Do it. However you choose to express appreciation is a great building block for more respect and harmony on your farm. Say thanks. You are not required to write Christmas cards in order to be well thought of. Do what works for what time you have to spend. Comparing your Pinterest posts will steal your joy. Do what works for the time you have to spend, and what your financial budget accommodates.

Where is it written that children can only be cared for by their parents? Some farm grandparents are longing for more grandchild time, and some have too much. Again, communication of your realistic expectations for times with childcare is your call. Ask for what you need and be clear about what is workable for you at this stage of your life. Young moms can barter childcare with other young moms. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. With larger equipment it is important to keep child safety a priority regardless of who is driving. Many young moms are operating large equipment and could use more daycare options or a nanny.

Ironing for me is relaxing, but I typically only iron dress shirts and napkins. Yes, I use cloth napkins and do not purchase paper towels. I like cloth rags, too. Boomers may still iron jeans, but not me. I have fond memories of ironing tea towels for my farm mom, but that is gone now with use of Norwex towels! I think it’s helpful to question why you do the things you do, and understand that “different is not wrong, it is just different.”

“No farm work for the newlywed and beyond!” I am seeing some conflicts in the farm family dynamic where the female manager of the household is not willing or wanting to be part of the farm business or its demands. There is a strong culture in agriculture that farm women are to be supportive of the farm’s activities in all seasons. What if the young woman who is your daughter-in-law decides that she puts enough time in helping with the cash flow with her off-farm job, and she says she is “not married” to the farm. Yikes. There is lots of urgency here to talk about role expectations. If it is a perfect night to be out in the sprayer doing crop protection, it is not reasonable to demand that the sprayer operator be home by 7 p.m. to be with the family at the lake for fun. The timeliness of farm operations has to be balanced with the family’s need for fun time, with common sense. This is the trend in agriculture that needs more discussion. Hopefully the new couple has had pre-marriage counselling to iron out what cultural values of their farm operation they plan to embrace. If you are the father-in-law who is frustrated about new roles in the next generation, then you would be wise to call a family meeting to discuss expectations in an open, respectful manner.

Keeping the woman’s name off the assets. This unwritten rule rears up on the land maps when it becomes obvious that the farm woman does not have her name on farm assets. How did she let this happen? The fear of divorce is driving this practice. It is important that you understand your legal rights as a spouse who farms. Come from curiosity to discover how your voice can be part of the decision-making team on your farm if you feel that the unwritten rule is, “we keep the women out of the farm business.”

What’s the unwritten expectation on your farm?

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Poulter believes that we learn from our father’s rule book about work, relationships, ethics and money matters. I have learned to ask the founding parents lots of questions about how they got their farms, and what kind of relationships they have or had with their father. I am not a clinical psychologist like Poulter is, but I am looking for patterns and “internal rules or beliefs” that shape the current conversational conflicts I am coaching.

How attached are you to your dad? Poulter describes four emotional bonds as intermittent, avoidant, depressed and secure. I am still coming across men who refuse to seek out a doctor’s treatment for depression. These bonds will give light to some of the workplace issues like self-doubt, lack of focus and motivation and fear of failure. Some of my immigrant families who have grown up in a culture of “work hard, don’t play” have an extreme fear of failure that is driving them, and driving their kids away from the family farm.

Insights into your dad’s style of relating may also help you figure out how his behaviour is impacting your farm business decision-making.

Is your dad what Poulter calls:

• A super achiever?
• A time bomb?
• Passive or negligent?
• Absent?
• A compassionate mentor?

How your father interacts with you is a critical piece of information that helps shape you. I discovered this when I asked the founding father about his relationship to his dad. The father died when the founder was only a teenager. For many years this farmer has been very cautious, self-sufficient, and not wanting to disclose his true fears to his farm family. This does not surprise me, but it helps me understand why the successors are frustrated. They want action, and Dad wants caution. The farm mom confessed she should have called months ago.

Another example is the “time bomb” father whose adult business employee children noted that Dad’s emotional inconsistency is creating havoc in the workplace. Their farm business needs better conflict resolution and trust. These adult sons have become very good at reading people and their moods, because of their father’s “time bomb” style. Unfortunately, I see this style all too often with fathers who are not great at collaborative conflict resolution.

The father’s “rule book” can be internalized by sons and daughters. It’s 2018 and daughters are also the successors to the farm. They are exhibiting the values of hard work, ambition and achievement, just like their fathers, BUT, they are also crying out for work/life balance. Poulter says: “Do you need to update your ways of relating that are based on your internal rule book? There are unspoken rules that guide behaviour, thoughts and beliefs.”

Values concerning work on the farm are shaped by the role your father has played in your life. Could you take just a few moments now to reflect on how your father has influenced your beliefs and attitudes about your farm career? Do you respect your father’s opinions? Can you book out some quiet time to have a courageous conversation with your dad about his “time bomb” style and how that affects you? Can you choose to respond to him in a much healthier way? Check out the domore.ag website. Their mission is “Talk more. Ask more. Listen more.” We need to change the culture of silence in agriculture and share our mental health stories.

Do you realize how much your father is impacted by your grandfather? What insights about your dad’s legacy can you learn from your mom’s impressions? Do you realize that you can work out new beliefs and ways of relating to your dad? How would you like to thank your dad for his mentoring and compassion?

What if you don’t like your dad’s girlfriend? Yikes. I said it. My mom died at 65 and my farming dad had a long-term girlfriend. I’ve met young couples who are deeply frustrated that they cannot speak to their dad about his “new” love life and how the uncertainty of the arrangement is impacting the farm’s financial plans. Talk more. Ask more. Listen more. This is also a good encouragement in this circumstance. Find out what everyone’s intentions are. Be calm and respectful in your conversations.

Stephan Poulter comments:

“Even after your father dies, he will still affect your professional relationships and career development. No matter what boys or girls say to their fathers in a fit of anger — for example, ‘I’ll never be like you’ — or how much they try to distance themselves as adults, their dads still cast a long shadow. Typically, people undervalue their father’s impact on their lives until their parents’ death. Even then, many men and women don’t see how a father’s influence extends past personal traits into the professional world. The values you carry concerning work were formed many years ago in the context and backdrop of your father-daughter or father-son relationship.”

I challenge you to honour your dad and respect him. Fathers in my coaching sessions sometimes go away feeling a little beat up, because the focus of the issues has many connections back to their choices. I encourage families to recognize what is really important to them and seek to understand the other person’s perspectives.

As a young farm girl I was taught to be fearless around large steers, drive a combine, and drive in the big city. My dad saw me as a leader, and encouraged me to explore the world. At my wedding he announced that he was pleased I had chosen to marry a farmer. No one is perfect, and we can seek healing in understanding our relationships with our parents.

You might also like to read Healing for the Father Wound, by Dr. H. Norman Wright.

Cherish your family. I’d love to dance with my dad, but he is gone.

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