I am not a lawyer; you need to seek independent legal advice to draw up cohabitation agreements, marriage contracts, prenuptial (prenup) agreements or inter-spousal agreements. As you can already tell, these agreements clarify who owns what when two folks join their lives and their farms together. In Australia they call folks who are living together, but not married, “almost married.” Many farm couples may not realize that after they have lived common-law for a few years, they are “married” in the eyes of the law. Many farm parents are nervous about what will happen if the next-generation couple splits.

My goal here is to help you consider ways to approach the conversation about prenups, marriage contracts or inter-spousal agreements to protect your family’s expectations and the farm assets.

An elderly farmer was quite panicked when he reached out to ask me to orchestrate a conversation with his successor son and daughter-in law. The farm is worth millions, and the father was uneasy about the strength of the marriage which had already borne some children. Coaches can help you ask hard questions and give you language to come from curiosity. It took about four minutes to determine that both the successor and his spouse were happy to seek independent legal advice to draft and sign marriage contracts. It was intended for the protection and good of all. Crisis averted.

I had another case where the parents who were trying to groom their successor went themselves to the lawyer to get a marriage contract for their union and model this for their successor and his spouse. The prenup agreement was a condition of the transfer of shares in the shareholder’s agreement.

Are you willing to create an inter-spousal agreement/marriage contract as a risk management strategy for your farm?

What do you need to do to get ready to create an agreement?

Know what you have

That is, you need to know your farm and personal assets.

Be clear as to why

You need to be clear about your intent in why this action is important to you for business reasons, and the emotions you are experiencing while creating the document. When we get married, we are not thinking of getting a divorce. We all realize that many marriages fail, and not just the young folks. We had the “divorce conversation” as part of the coaching process with our son and daughter in-law. You might want to have an outside facilitator to navigate this discussion.

Independent legal advice

On behalf of a client, I asked my network for a great family lawyer who understood agriculture and was able to come up with two lawyers in two places, one for each spouse. A good place to start looking is the CAFA (Canadian Association of Farm Advisors) directory. Ask your peer network for referrals.

A considerate approach

Your language of approach with your partner, fiancé or spouse needs to be clear and respectful. Your goal is to have alignment of understanding about your wishes for taxes, assets, financial well-being for all, goals for the children, and success of your farm business while keeping family harmony.

This seems like a tall order if you approach the conversation in a spirit of fear, rather than one of collaboration for the good of the family and the farm. I once had a young fiancé in tears as she did not understand the need for a prenup to get married to her dairy farming boyfriend. Once we framed the exercise of getting a prenup a “business risk management strategy” and not blame or judgment of her from her future in-laws, she was able to wipe away the tears and take a different perspective. It was also helpful to the young farmer that his farming brother had just been married, and it was the business policy of the farm that everyone has prenups.

Remember, situations may vary

Guys with farms are dating women with farms. A young woman in my audience has a dairy farm with her dad and dates a guy who has a farm with his family. People in agriculture are coming to their union as a family with many assets. This also happens with second marriages, when women such as my friend Fran, a farm widow, is then married to another farmer at age 77. We have “grey divorce” and we have “grey second marriage” as people live longer and still seek loving companionship as they age. Well written legal agreements can prevent a lot of future pain and anger in court.

Don’t be cheap

April is wills month and I suspect you need a will, or your current will needs updating. You also need a power of attorney. Spend the appropriate amount of money to hire a good and reputable lawyer to draw up proper agreements.

Ask to see a sample copy. A lawyer friend of mine gave me a sample prenup to share with farm families just to get them acquainted with the language and format of the agreement. Other lawyers said they would never do this! Which lawyer do you think is serving their clients well? Farmers don’t like to feel dumb, so it is helpful to do some research and find out what clauses are typical for farm situations.

Pulling in the same direction is a beautiful thing

Two powerful draft horses pulling hard in tandem is a great visual for spouses in business being in alignment. Two are stronger than one! How you frame the exercise of getting spousal agreements in place is like life insurance. We use life insurance as a tool to provide revenue when folks die, or property is damaged. We buy it, and don’t dwell on it every day. The tearful bride-to-be realized she would be able to be a full business partner with a great attitude, if she were not dwelling on the supposed judgement of her future in-laws. She could work with her husband creating a great farm business and strong marriage. Her documents would protect her, but not define her.

Tell me you have written a will or updated your old one, and I will send you the Farming’s In-Law Factor e-book.

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I had the great joy of speaking to 540 young Iowa farmers last month. Many of them are stuck in getting equity in transition, due to U.S. tax laws which incentivize holding onto land and assets until the death of the grandparents or parents. I suspect you have your own story of curiosity as to why you are not able to get what you really want (power and control of the management, equity to grow and service debt, new housing, a peaceful workplace, et cetera).

What do you truly want for the next chapter of your life on the farm?

Why is this such a hard topic to openly communicate with your family?

When are you going to make your lifestyle desires and farm business vision known?

Please go back and read those three questions again. The farm founders and successors need clarity of expectations. Here’s a text from a young Iowa farmer who speaks for many young people who are anxious about the uncertainty of their future:

“What are the best ways to deal with off-farm siblings that haven’t shown interest in the past, or put any work into the operation, but now all of a sudden want a piece of the pie?”

My answer to this farmer was, “Have a coaching session with third-party facilitation. Keep it safe and respectful.”

Most folks want their family to get along, to have a profitable farm, and not break off land to non-farm heirs. Your family may have a culture of “Grandma has four kids, so each kid will get a quarter of the land.” This is creating great havoc and stress for folks who cannot see another solution.

Where is it written that all adult children need to get land?

Are there other assets like non-farm property, cash, insurance, investments, diamond rings, vehicles, art, oak desks which can be passed on? The issue here is the grandparents have very little cash or residue in their estate. This is the personal wealth bubble discussion which I have written about. When you have personal financial liquidity or what Derryn Shrosbee calls the “farm liquidity solution,” you have tools to cascade wealth without chopping off land.

Remarriage

There’s great fear of divorce and more hands expecting wealth. Here’s the young farmer text: “What happens when you have an uncle who remarried and wants his new kids to get all the family legacy?”

Folks don’t usually want to talk about inter-spousal agreements to protect the farm business. I do have a client family who wanted to set the example as founders, so they did go out to get a marriage contract done, even though they have been married for over 30 years.

No one wants divorce. Divorce on farms happens. It is a huge source of ongoing conflict and pain, so what are you doing to cherish and protect your marriage? What are you doing to protect your farm business from divorce? If business partners are getting remarried, you need open, honest communication with a well-understood operating agreement and/or shareholder document.

What is the story your parents are really telling themselves?

Here’s the young farmer text: “I keep bringing up succession to Mom and Dad. They keep saying ‘We don’t know what we want’ and divert the conversation. Now I just sound like the greedy one!”

I said: “Change the story you are telling yourself. You need certainty.”

This young farmer has parents who are not skilled nor prepared to talk about tough issues. Many of you cannot do this crucial conversation work alone, yet you are not willing to ask for professional guidance and help.

“Being clear is kind,” says social researcher Brene Brown, and this is the quote deemed most helpful to a seminar I presented to South Dakota ranchers. The light went on for them as they realized they no longer have the luxury of avoiding hard conversations. My t-shirt says, “Love does not read minds.”

It is time to stop guessing what everyone thinks, feels, wants and needs. Explore what stories your grandparents, parents and siblings are telling themselves about the future and transition of wealth on your farm. Ask Grandpa or Mom, “I’m just curious, what is the story you are telling yourself? Is this a scarcity mindset issue? How much is enough? Would you ask for the help of a financial planner to give you more financial security and certainty for your income streams as you age in place on this farm?”

Large families with multitudes of expectations need professional facilitation

“How much money do we need to make sure Mom and Dad are getting every year? How do you have a civil conversation with 13 immediate family members?” another text says.

The best way to deal with complexity is to break things down and start with each couple or family unit, then work toward the group meeting. In our coaching process we do confidential coaching of each family with the goal of giving them clarity of expectations, and positive conflict language to prepare each person with skills to be able to ask graciously and respectfully for what they need, and to share their vision of the future of the family and the farm.

The Conflict Dynamic Profile tool is very helpful to get folks to see sharing emotions, creating solutions, and gaining the other person’s perspective are positive behaviours to help everyone find common interests.

Review and answer these questions:

• What do I know?
• What do I need to know (and who can help answer it)?
• What do I want?
• What do I not want?
• What do we agree on?
• What could I “live with” or seek to get, win/win?
• What is the worst that could happen if…?
• How can I prevent the transition from going wrong? How can we get more alignment of expectations?
• What is the best that could happen if we reached out for help, shared honestly and created solutions together?

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There is hope. Her name is Sara McCullough and like me she is self-employed. I have referred many folks to her for her expertise as a divorce financial analyst. That headline above that caught your attention is her direct quote. Sara has great mediation skills as a fee-for-service planner, and she’ll tell you that she asks divorcing folks the exact same questions as her married clients. Sara has learned to speak to the common interests of the couple, the things they both want. Usually, parents understand they will always be co-parenting the children, so Sara counsels couples after they divorce, and she does it with grace and empathy. Her superpower is to help clients look at things differently.

How do farm families prepare for divorce by using the services of a divorce financial analyst?

They don’t.

Sara just expects you to show up for the Zoom call and dive into responding to her queries. Her response to being prepared is: “Why? I don’t prepare when I take my car to the mechanic!”

As couples separate, they may work with Sara in separate meetings, and she shares documents freely between the couple. This approach is effective and efficient. She also drives out to farm homes to sit beside the accountant and the farm couple to answer questions in “real time.”

Here’s some helpful questions for all of us, married or separated.

What is the most important to you?

What are you most worried about?

How I (Sara) work is to meet with you and your ex-spouse to understand your goals and concerns. I’ll give you a list of the documents I need.

Can you trust that we are working for the best outcome for all?

I know you said that it was important for you to have this specific outcome. Here are my concerns for you if you get that.

I know you’re feeling attacked by your spouse. When you told me how confusing and scary the financial division is, remember your spouse is likely as confused and scared.

Clients tell Sara they “want to know they are going to be OK tomorrow and the next day. Am I doing the right thing?”

Huge grief and loss are real for folks on the divorce journey, Sara says. “Clients often feel a lot of shame around a divorce, sometimes family, friends and advisers use language that increases a person’s sense of shame. It’s time for that to change. You can’t negotiate well or make good decisions when you are feeling ashamed.”

Sara McCullough has carved out a special financial planning niche, starting years ago, as existing clients who decided to divorce refused to separate their planning. Neither one would agree to get a new planner. They had an amicable, not warring relationship, and they like the identical packages of information that Sara shares. Preserving overall family assets was a goal for both people and they didn’t see how two planners would achieve that. Sara is willing to sit with them in the complicated places of life. She helps folks understand in a broad sense how much is going to be allocated in settlements. She challenges clients to put a value on what they do for fun saying, “I’m not trying to suck all of the fun out of your life, but are you getting $100 worth of fun out of it?” She encourages her farm clients to save money when they automate their savings automatically out of the sightlines of the farm accounts; even $5,000K a month is possible when it automatically is transferred to the savings account.

“Sara Makes Sense” is her podcast that encourages listeners to absorb her financial wisdom and learn from other advisers that she interviews.

I’ve written before about the importance of knowing what you need for family living, and Sara feels many folks don’t really know what is happening with their family living. She says the quickest way to figure it out is off tax statements. Many people like to hide their family living costs and justify their large outflows of cash.

Men are typically initially afraid of endless child and spousal support when they meet Sara. Women tend to be afraid of “not being OK.” In those statements, both men and women are saying they don’t understand how they will each have enough money to cover expenses when they are separate when it didn’t feel like enough when they were together. That’s something that can be worked out, mapped out and understood.

When you are separating you need to “feel heard” by your former spouse, and not be “firing off at each other.”

As farm women have approached me for advisers, I look to many of my CAFA colleagues, from the Canadian Association of Farm Advisors to give me good referrals. The approach of Alternate Dispute Resolution or ADR as it is known might be able to create a mediated solution and keep you out of divorce court.

Divorce on farms is a long journey; expectations of the “new life” will have to be managed. If you have an amicable approach and consider the needs of the farm successors, you will have a much different outcome than the families who are bickering and hiding assets.

The truth will set you free. Be open and be clear. Remember that your adult children also are grieving the loss of their parental relationships and there are many “unknowns” ahead.

If you would like to have an introduction to Sara McCullough’s work go to https:/calendly.com/plan-with-sara. Call 519-569-7526, www.wddevelopment.ca.

Keep your financial documents well organized and continue to check in with the current “state of your union.” Financial stress, mental health issues and addictions are bending the resolve of many farm couples. Internet relationships are flaring up affairs, and folks are seeking connection in the aftermath of much isolation.

It is not always the woman who is left behind. I’ve also had calls from farm men who are in deep pain when their wives have wiped out bank accounts and taken off.

Family secrets and hidden bank accounts do not make a healthy relationship.

Let’s all commit to a culture of transparency, honesty, and grace. It really helps when you cherish your mate and check in often to see how the other is really doing.

There are four farms that touch our farm, and each one has experienced divorce. I care deeply that folks can create new chapters for their lives when they need to let go of their spouse.

One happy now-single woman used a divorce coach, a psychologist from Victoria named Bob Blank, 250-477-2662. It’s not just about the finances, there are a lot of emotional factors that need healthy input and boundaries as you create a new life on or off the farm.

Cherish one another.

The post Froese: What’s possible when people are separating and don’t want to go to war appeared first on Grainews.

1. Both partners need to be fully informed about finances. “Know your money honey,” is another way of saying this. It helps to have pre-existing relationships with your lenders, accountant, financial planner, investment broker, and the fairy godmother. OK, I threw that last one in just to lighten this up! Some divorcees do not have a hot clue about their net worth, cash flow, or where the important documents are to be found. If you are thinking of separating, get your financial house in order and find out where the financial data lies. You should be financially smart at any stage of life.
2. Get a second opinion and have independent legal counsel. You are making some of the most important financial decisions of your life. Some folks don’t want to “lawyer up,” but independent advice is prudent, even if you chose to do the mediation route, or alternative dispute resolution. Great lawyers can help navigate the way to a fair settlement. My friend’s lawyer was not willing to “just settle,” and she knew the way to make reasonable requests of the other spouse.
3. Ask accountant friends for good referrals to other accounting professionals. This is an issue when you want a fair valuation of the business. The chemistry with all of our advisers needs to be one of trust and respect. A good adviser asks pertinent questions and creates solutions with you in a timely fashion.
4. Trust you intuition when you are judging competency of your financial planner or other advisers, and use a network of competent people. Ask for references. Listen to your gut. Don’t be afraid to change the people on your team.
5. Hire a divorce coach (in Victoria these folks exist — who knew?) and use a counsellor or psychologist to help you do the ongoing emotional work of letting go of your marriage relationship. This is a new stage of your life and it helps to have a road map with a listening, understanding ear.
6. Can you treat the separation from your spouse and former business partner as a business deal, yet park the business issues from the emotional heavy lifting of the divorce process? Keeping financial needs separate from the emotional drama is tough. I have witnessed the frustration of getting affidavits in place, seeking truth from so-called “friends” and trying to keep employment while the divorce’s drama and emotional energy suck is dragging the former spouses down.
7. Preserve your self-respect and “take the high road.” Divorce ends a marriage but it doesn’t end parenting. Co-parenting is the reality that you will be sharing time, energy, and sometimes space with your ex as you parent your children, even adult children. “Elaine, we are trying to keep things amicable because our children are very young, and they need us both to show up as good parents,” says the father of preschool kids.
8. Be firm and have healthy boundaries. My friend changed the locks to her home which surprised her ex. It would be a surprise at our house too, seeing how we never lock our doors! Ha. Some requests that you will get from your former spouse may not be reasonable, so you have to stick to the boundaries that work for you to have security and comfort.
9. “It’s not how you think it is going to be.” Life is full of bumps along the road, and going through the divorce process is a form of loss and grieving that is different for different people. My friend says: “You cannot prejudge the outcome. You need to be open to the process, to the unfolding.”
10. Waves of sadness will strike unexpectedly. I call these “grief spasms.” I get them when I smell Noxema, my mom’s favourite moisturizer in the deep blue jar. Other losses may be triggered when you have sadness thinking of the “loss of the dream of the family and of the future.”
11. Respect yourself and recognize your gifts. Being divorced does not define who you are. It is something that is part of your story, but it doesn’t have to be a label that keeps you from thriving in your new status. The phrase, “They are either looking for a nurse or a purse,” may mean that you will steer clear of future long-term marriage relationships. I would suspect that doing deep emotional work to get really healthy emotionally will set you up successfully for further loving relationships.
12. Treasure good friendships. You will need a strong emotional support group to lean on and give you some resilience while you navigate the “pain of not knowing” until the divorce settlement is finalized. Some folks have suggested that working through a divorce is harder than the death of a spouse since death is final, has closure, but divorce when co-parenting is never “done.”

Fear of divorce is very real on family farms that are experiencing poor communication, workaholism, unrealistic role expectations, no respect and unresolved conflict. I truly believe that love and respect are great medicine for a marriage in disrepair, but it takes heaps of work to repair and build a love relationship.

Please take time to reflect on what you need in your own self-care, your marriage, and other family relationships. Reach out for counselling help like the young father who confided that seven years of marriage and young children had driven him to seek help, which was healing to his marriage. He did not have a great model of marriage in his own family farm setting, and he knew he had to take action to create a healthier story for his cherished children and wife.

Now is the time to take stock of the state of your union. Read some great marriage books from authors John Gottman, Emmerson Eggerich, Mike Mason, and Mort Fertel.

Tell me some fun stories of how you are intentionally having more fun with your mate this winter. I believe a good marriage is worth fighting for.

I need to call my friend now.

The post A dozen things about divorce appeared first on Grainews.

“You talked about the fear of spousal breakup,” and I’m curious, how do I create a firewall to protect my farm?” (Note: he said “my farm,” not OUR farm).

The firewall word picture fits our computer’s security, but I wonder if the approach of building a wall of protection around your farm is a good analogy?

• Read more: How to prevent divorce on farms

Who and what do you want to keep out?

1. The in-laws? I have witnessed farm teams that have a strict policy of not letting any spouses of the business partners have decision-making power. This is not my value system, where I think many minds together can collaborate with respect, to make great business plans and execute many different skill sets. What if your daughter-in-law, the graduate from plant science, would make a great agronomist on your farm? Keeping out skilled workers on the basis of their marital status is not smart.

2. The troublemakers? Many farm business meetings go off track because adult siblings cannot stay calm and collected as they express their views. They are likely exhausted, suffering from role overload, and likely need to hire outside help. Folks who earn bad reputations with consistent bad behaviour are part of the conflict avoidance culture of agriculture. I have said before, that you are getting the behaviour that you accept. Why are you not asking the angry person what their true issue is? Can you do a conflict dynamic profile and get to the bottom of their hot buttons? I provide these tools online for a small fee of $40 per person.

3. The girlfriends or boyfriends? Once adult children start dating and joining living space with partners or spouses, you get to choose if you are going to learn alongside them or judge them forever for making, what you think is a poor life mate decision. Get over it. It’s not just young people who bail out of relationships after a few hard years of not being able to adjust; it could also be the founder’s spouse who is ditching a 33-year marriage for new pastures. Divorce is part of reality for many families. If you check out my blog, “how to prevent divorce on the farm,” you’ll recall that once the partnership of love is formed you’ll likely have a stronger, healthier firewall if there is tons of love and respect to go around for everyone. Respectful communication helps, too.

4. The mentally ill? I have seen transition plans stall out due to the inability of the family members struggling with mental health issues and their refusal to seek medical or psychological help or treatment. Depression may have several different forms. If someone on your team just doesn’t seem to be happy, stops connecting with friends, or doesn’t want to get out of bed, you need to find help. Rather than planning for a firewall, how about reaching out to your family doctor, mental health worker or counsellor?

5. The addicts? Working too much is a common farm trait that drives marriage apart when the cows are deemed more important than the human relationship as a couple. Alcohol addiction can also cause folks to stop trying to repair an issue that needs to be addressed by the person with the disease. Again, addictions cannot be stopped by having a firewall of agreements on paper; they require that the person suffering get past their denial and seek healing.

Prenuptial agreements and marriage contracts may be a tool that your farm wants to explore. I advise you to seek out a great agriculturally aware lawyer and get a solid word-of-mouth referral from farmers who have witnessed good work. Don’t be stuck by bad stories and assume no lawyer is going to be helpful. Seek out www.cafanet.com to search the directory of law firms that specialize in ag. I would recommend John Stewart and Mona Brown in Manitoba as two of my top picks.

I know a 90-year-old farm woman who is in her second marriage to a farmer over 90 who is in his third marriage. They have a prenuptial agreement to keep their farm estates separate. Each day to them is a definite gift.

Another farm daughter who recently remarried was very clear with her new husband that he and his children would not be entitled to her farm assets which she just recently inherited from her farming parents. They have a prenuptial agreement in place.

We all know that paper contracts can help people behave better. We also recognize that when a couple commits to loving each other forever, 50 per cent of marriages fail.

These sobering facts might drive you to take a different approach than building a wall.

• Build love and respect. Be the gracious person who attracts amazing success by the way you treat others.
• Give everyone a voice at the decision-making table and input for the farm’s vision. If folks buy in to the vision, they are more likely to keep working in good times and in bad.
• Treat illness when it first appears. Don’t allow secret keeping around tough issues like mental illness, dementia and addiction. Build a circle of support around the person who is ill.
• Face your fears. Strong farmers with rough hands and weathered faces are allowed to cry. So are the female farmers who are well educated and feeling like they cannot find a path to shine on their farms. If the crying is chronic, see medical help.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are great lawyers, accountants, financial planners and coaches who can help you navigate the ways to create more certainty for the security of your farm assets.
• Have marriage contract agreements as part of your standard business policy, so that each potential successor who weds gets the same treatment as their siblings or cousins who have gone before them.
• Make quick repair. See good conflict resolution as a great risk management tool for your farm and your farm’s future. You use firewalls on your computers. Technology helps us, but we still need to be able to ask another person, “Are you OK? Would you like me to do something differently? What is it that I am doing that is pushing your hot button?”

The post Why create a ‘firewall’ against divorce? appeared first on Grainews.

Elaine Froese is tired. She’s just come home from a speaking tour and is heading to the U.S. for another gig, but as she speaks, the passion for her work erupts in the intensity of her voice and her obvious concerns for farm families. With her newest book, Farming’s In-Law Factor, Froese takes on a sticky issue that hovers in the psyche of many farms, but often goes unaddressed: what do we do about the in-laws?

Is the new daughter-in-law trying to take over Mom’s jobs in the house or field? Does the mother-in-law treat her like she’s not good enough for her son? Or the father-in-law hangs on to power like it’s the air he breathes? Did the son-in-law actually jump into the brand new tractor before the wedding dance was even over?

Fictitious scenarios, but Froese says she hears such concerns all the time and they threaten the stability of the marriage and ultimately the financial future of the farm.

“Farming is a unique culture,” Froese says. “It’s a lifestyle and a culture. Its complexity is increasing as is the complexity of families as marriages break down and result in new configurations.”

Put that together with the monetary consequences of screwing up and you get a “fear around loss of wealth from the older generations who need protection against spousal breakups,” she says. The best way to preserve the farm legacy, says Froese, is to build relationships that support the needs and foster the growth of all family members in order to avoid the kinds of issues that cause divorce in the first place.

A home economist, formerly with Alberta Agriculture, Froese holds coaching and conflict resolution certificates, has published on various farm success issues and is a sought-after speaker. As a seed grower with a successor and now a daughter-in-law, there’s pressure for Froese to practise what she preaches.

Co-written with Dr. Megan McKenzie, who has experience with conflict resolution in some of the most troubled places in the world, Farming’s In-Law Factor is a “road map for getting out of the muck,” Froese says. “It’s transformational in a way.”

The book’s authors identify some of the negative patterns and tendencies amongst farm families. “Silence is a form of violence,” says Froese. “You can’t resolve things when you can’t have a conversation. It’s a kind of emotional blackmail.” Vague or broken promises cause problems of trust. Things need to be written down and deadlines set. An imbalance of power can leave some family members feeling underappreciated and resentful. Or a lack of financial transparency amongst farm partners might cause uncertainty and stress.

Communication is vital. Does everyone who wants a voice, have one? Are expectations realistic? Does the older generation provide opportunities for real participation both physically and financially on the farm? Is everyone clear on roles? Are family members being allowed to pursue their passions?

The key to it all, says Froese, is respect.

With chapters dedicated to each type of in-law — mother, daughter, father, sister etc. — no one escapes examination. But in the end the authors provide a tool kit to help identify problems and work out solutions and cartoons throughout the book help to lighten things up.

And if a couple or family has tried everything and it’s just not going to work out, there’s a chapter to address that as well.

In order to avoid that sorry end, Froese has some advice to prevent divorce on the farm. “When a new member arrives the key is to be kind, to be gracious and to adapt. Take on a learner mindset, not a judger. Be open to self-reflection and feedback. And communicate what works for you and what doesn’t and what you would like others to do differently.”

And on pre-nup agreements, Froese is a definite yes, particularly in a second marriage or if a first marriage is into a multimillion-dollar farm where the newlywed might already have 10 years of equity under his belt. It’s often something new couples don’t want or think necessary, but “don’t risk it,” Froese says, because beyond the emotional devastation, there are very real financial consequences for the farm in the case of divorce or family breakup.

Farming’s In-Law Factor can be found on Elaine’s website.

The post Elaine Froese wants to keep families and farms healthy appeared first on Grainews.

Divorce is one of the biggest threats to farm family legacy. We need to start talking more about how to prevent the breakups and create more makeups.

So, as I write this I am thinking of neighbours, friends, clients of all ages and stages who have struggled to stay married in 2015. My prevention list:

1. Ask for what you need. Love does not read minds. When I want a hug I ask. When I need quiet time alone I negotiate the volume of the TV. My coaching career demands travel and time away, that is OK.
2. Listen to the needs of the other and act. Marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100. You are committed to serving your mate with a servant attitude, and they serve you. How can you act on what is requested for change? When I talk too much Wes will squeeze my knee under the table as a loving signal to give others air time.
3. Be kind and respectful. Every morning we get to choose if we are kind or nasty in our approach. Grouches need to get checked out by doctors for depression. Most in-laws would never even think of leaving the farm family IF they felt they were respected. Look each other in the eye and ask, “How can I show you more respect? What would you like me to do differently?”
4. Walk in their boots, take another person’s perspective. Young farmers are craving work/life balance, a chance to read bedtime stories. Do you remember what it was like to be 35 with young kids? Young moms who work off farm are exhausted. How can you share the load?
5. Adapt and yield with, “Yes, dear.” Wes hates putting up Christmas lights, but he still helps me do it. I know he appreciates hot home-cooked meals, so I am happy to vary the menu. Check in with your mate to see if there are other ways to adapt to what they desire.
6. Be physically strong and connected. Yes, we are talking about sex here, and being in shape physically to enjoy the age stage you are at. Many folks are open with me about their sexual frustration, guess it comes with being a good listener. We all need to love and be loved. Meaningful touch with hugs, kisses, shoulder squeezes is also part of the mix. Don’t talk about farming in the bedroom after dark. Play with each other instead.
7. Make quick repair. Conflict is normal. Abrasive fighting is bad. John Gottman’s book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a great read. He emphasizes the need to keep conflicts short and small, fix them quickly. If you need more tools for this, go to elainefroese.com and watch the webinar on how to have better family fights.
8. Be thankful and count your blessings. Our farming friend has a disabled wife in a wheelchair. They are amazing how they show love to each other. They also remind us that we need to stay committed to each other in sickness and in health. Wes has already proven this to me when I spent most of 1984 in a psych ward with a severe postpartum depression. Work on your mental health, and choose a good attitude every day.
9. Reach out to quit your addictions. We all need support to quit the bad stuff whether it is workaholism, alcoholism, street drugs, or shopping too much. Find counselling, rehab, or a support group to get you to a better place. Anger that is not managed will destroy you and your marriage.
10. Finish well together. Have a lifestyle plan that goes beyond the farm as you age together. Play together. Enjoy grandchildren: please do not ignore these precious little ones. When you die don’t you want to be rich in relationship? You cannot take your farm shares with you to the grave!
11. Stop texting, start talking face to face. Social media is fuelling unfaithfulness in marriage. No secret emotional affairs for you.
12. Celebrate the milestones. Give a special card, have supper or night out. Bake a cake or pie to share with friends. Strong families celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, weddings, and engagements.
13. Save sex for marriage. Don’t live together or “shack up” before you have signed your marriage covenant, i.e. wed each other. The stats for the “almost married” common-law unions are pretty sobering. Those folks who live together before marrying are more likely to split. Understand the crudeness of the saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Your partner may also be happy to look outside your bed for new partners if they did that so easily with you.
14. Fill each other’s emotional bank account or “love tank.” Make deposits every day into the well-being of your spouse. Find out if they like to be loved with words, meaningful touch, gifts, quality time together or acts of service.

I have to stop, but I hope you get the picture. Divorce wreaks havoc in all of our agricultural families. I hurt when I see marriages fail. Let’s all work towards encouraging strong unions, so that divorce is not a threat to our farm’s legacy.

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“OK,” I said, knowing that many of the best projects are started by attentive practical ranchers and farmers who call it like they see it.

• It is your farm. Your family. Your choice. This is my essential message as a coach. I want farm folks to build new scenarios for the new chapters in their lives, that suit their values and goals. Many folks who feel “stuck” have not stopped to talk with themselves about what they really want in their life, their family and their farm business. Are you sensing a new chapter coming up for your life? What choices do you have to make before some new experiences happen?
• You get the behaviour you accept. So why are you putting up with bad behaviour? Folks — you do not have to allow abuse, profanity, or nasty behaviour on your farm. Stand up for what you believe is right. Find support beyond your farm gate.
• That was then and this is now. (Attributed to my mother-in-law, Margaret Froese.) Meaning that things change and you might need to make a new decision for the present and the future. Some founders make promises to successors that have to be broken when the financial reality dictates that the founders need more money for their reinvention years. Plans can change, but the basic trust doesn’t need to be harmed if the parties can all be honest, transparent, and agree to talk about their disappointment.
• A farm is not a piece of pie. This means the critical mass of assets needs to stay with the farm owner or shareholders. Create another wealth bubble for your non-business heirs or have great agreements that allow access to the land for the farm operation. Parents are not responsible to ensure that all of their adult children are economically equal. Many adult children have wealth creation goals that don’t demand large gifts from hard-working founders. Perhaps if you sat down with your children you’d discover that their main desire is for you to have some rewards now to be able to enjoy the fruit of your labour.
• Change is inevitable, growth is optional. Change is going to happen, but are you ready to embrace it and work through the necessary steps to achieve your goals in a timely fashion and meet the needs of your team? The Hudson Institute gave me a great map called the “cycle of renewal” that helps families navigate change and make mini-transitions to get aligned again with their vision and goals. Life is not a straight line, and we are more resilient to the bumps in the road when we take a “learner” approach.
• You are good enough. This is a take on Brene Brown’s work where she says, “You are enough.” Many young farmers feel that no matter how hard they work it is never “good enough.” All of our farms could use more intentional affirmation. Lately I have been asked to speak about “encouraging the heart of your farm.” We all need more affirmation and appreciation on our farm teams.
• Divorce on farms does not have to happen. This saying provoked a profane outburst at one of my seminars, but I meant it. Love and respect for all players and spouses on your farm will go a long way to avoiding the divorce courts. Sometimes I think people don’t ask for professional help soon enough, and then the pain and wounds are far too deep to be healed.
• When is it her turn to get what she needs? This is the uncomfortable question posed to the aging founder who has been married for over 45 years and still cannot see what his wife is longing for in a new chapter of life beyond the farm. She wants to move away from the main yard (Grand Central Station) and spend more time with her hobbies and friends in town. She is tired. She knows her husband still wants a role on the farm, but now it needs to be different, as the next generation becomes the main manager.
• A conversation is not a contract. My friend Jolene Brown likely coined this term first, and she is right. Many promises as conversations will not hold up when challenged. Families in business are wise to write things down in agreements that keep a record of what was decided and promised.
• Love does not read minds. I think I was told this as a young bride by our minister, and I used this phrase recently in a coaching call. It was powerful when I saw the young farmer’s binder page with the quote in BOLD block letters. He is planning to make it into a wooden plaque for his kitchen.
• You have options, you can leave. A young frustrated farm woman asked me in a seminar Q&A what to do with a father-in-law who was not treating her with respect. I quickly said, “Just leave.” She did not leave, but the notion that she did have the option to choose a different path gave her the freedom to make her current situation different. She now blogs about agriculture and we had the pleasure of reuniting a few months ago. I had no idea of the power of the phrase until she told me her story. You can find out more about “necessary endings” in our book Farming’s In-Law Factor. Chapter 10 talks about what to do when things don’t work out.
• Conflict resolution is a business risk management strategy. Discuss the “undiscussabull.” I believe that conflict avoidance is one of the huge boulders holding agriculture back. Many founders have a fear of conflict, so they procrastinate and do not have courageous conversations. Attack an issue without attacking the person, and get resolution. Don’t waste emotional energy on “drama.” Learn to focus on solving problems with effective focused management.

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