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Life’s secrets, according to you…

People of the world, tell me this — what’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done? Part One

Snow-skier cresting a hill about to wipe out.

I share this story for one (or both) of the following reasons:

It makes me out to be classy and sophisticated. Obviously.

In case you happen to be having a crappy day my hopes are that this will make you laugh.

Now where were we? Oh, right. The chairlift incident… it still gives me the shivers when I think about it. I don’t even feel safe writing this, however, in the spirit of full disclosure when it comes to one of my several thousand most embarrassing stories, here goes. It happened during my third year at university, when about 10 of us decided to head down to Whitefish, Montana for spring break. I don’t ski all that often (or well) but the thought of a vacation at a mountain resort sounded appealing.

Once there, we promptly agreed that it was far too cold to actually ski, not to mention the effort required, so we buckled down in our rental chalet and started to play a drinking game. The game itself was easy. Or so I thought. There was a deck of cards and you had to guess whether the card being flipped would be a black suit or a red suit. Not exactly a mind bender. (Hey, we were aggies!) If you guessed wrong, you had to take a sip from your beverage. Active listening not being one of my core strengths, I was downing my entire drink each time, rather than taking just one sip. For the record, I don’t recall anyone mentioning the “one-sip” point during the initial reading of the rules. Regardless, in a disastrously short period of time, I ingested copious amounts of alcohol and retired from the game rather early, finding comfort and solace face down in an empty pizza box.

The next day, disastrously weary but determined, we got up and hit the slopes, ready to exercise and sweat out the alcohol. Truthfully, I felt like death warmed up, however I put on a brave face for the crew. I even attempted to hit a few jumps on the way down to see if I looked anywhere near as cool as the Olympians on television. (Reports gathered much later indicated that a three-legged mule strapped to plywood would have appeared more graceful. See photo. Does it bear mentioning that this landing didn’t go well? )

Here forthwith, are the most embarrassing things you’ve ever done. Part One

Grade 7 social studies class. I asked my teacher during class how dinosaurs had sex. He was literally speechless. I wanted to die.

Tough one. Getting into the wrong vehicle at the end of the day to go home. My husband was picking me up, I saw a blue van just like ours and walked right from the office building into that van and sat down, only to realize it wasn’t my van! The guy driving was pretty shocked too. I just got out and ran in the other direction.

Not recognizing someone I really should have known! Yikes, that was bad, especially when she looked the same!

Hmm… puking in a restaurant in front of my new boss, and him trying to catch it all in a wineglass. That, or falling down a flight of stairs in my gown at the reception for my university graduation. Good times, proud moments.

I had a girlfriend from out of town once when I was 20, and brought her home on a weekend my parents were away. She was there when they got home on Sunday and I thought it would be a good time for them to meet one another. Big mistake. To them, I was sneaking around behind their back. It was a very humiliating and stupid judgment on my part. It coloured their relationship with her from that point onward.

In high school I had an enormous crush on a boy in a grade above me and (for whatever reason) he put my winter coat on and then proceeded to put his hands in the pocket, only to pull out a maxi pad! He screamed like a girl and threw it halfway across the school. Maybe I shouldn’t have been the one who was embarrassed, but I was. Something about boys, high school and having your period was pretty damn embarrassing.

I try not to remember the embarrassing stuff. Kind of like it didn’t happen then, right?

Standing on stage at high school assembly in Grade 12 leading a “sing-along.” I can’t sing!

Doing something too inappropriate when I was drunk. I could probably make that plural.

Where would I even begin?! When backpacking around Europe, my friend and I had our belongings stolen while we were suntanning on the beach in Barcelona (ahem, topless). Luckily, I was using my (very) mini daypack as a pillow at the time, which at least helped with a tiny little bit of coverage as I walked all the way up La Rambla wearing nothing but my bikini bottoms, and doing my best to cover my critical parts with my hands!

Ha, I never get embarrassed.

There are a lot, but one that stands out is when I was at a 4-H speech contest. My topic was suicide (quite a heavy topic for a kid in Grade 8) but it was a good speech. I was so nervous when I got up to the podium to speak, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “I am going to laugh,” then proceeded with my not-too-sunny speech. Needless to say, I did not get first.

This is one of those things I can’t bring myself to talk about.

Got really intoxicated at a concert we drove seven hours to get to.

Climbing up the tree faster than everyone, being suddenly overcome with the urge to urinate from above, then being caught doing so by my father.

When my kid wanted to leave church and I kept whispering to him, “Not yet, honey. Father isn’t finished.” He kept asking if it was time to go, and I kept repeating the same thing to him over and over, until finally he turned to the front of the church and shouted out, “Just shut up, Father!” In his defence, it was a rather long sermon. †



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