Jokes – for Feb. 19, 2009


Ralph Clark from Lauder, Man., sent a file of his favourite jokes. Here’s one: A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. Then, just before the conclusion of the service, the man returned. Afterwards the pastor cornered the man and asked where he had gone. “I went to get a haircut,” was the reply. “But why didn’t you do that before the service?”, asked the pastor. “Because,” the man said, “I didn’t need one then.”


As Ben Franklin said, in wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilogram of E. coli— the bacteria found in feces. We do not run that risk when drinking wine and beer because alcoholic beverages have to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember: Water = poop, Wine = health. Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh**.

Note: This one is making the email rounds. I wouldn’t take this water quality analysis as gospel.


An elderly man from Vancouver was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed. The man opened the back door to go turn off the light, and saw people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, and the dispatcher asked, “Is someone in your house?” He said, “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.” Then the dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

The man hung up and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to the elderly man, “I thought you said you’d shot them!” The man said, “I thought you said there was nobody available.”

—Thanks Ron Lutz for forwarding this “true story.”



Stories from our other publications