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Jokes – for Apr. 20, 2009

TOO MUCH TO DRINK

A Manitoban who had a little too much to drink is driving home from Brandon one night and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

A TRAGIC IRISH TALE

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. ”Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya’.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”

“I must, Brenda. Your Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

She shrieks then holds her head in her hands and sobs. Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

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