Your Reading List

Love does not read minds

You need to share what’s in your head and heart so have those farm transition discussions

You have to share what’s in your head with your farm team. People can’t read minds.

An amazing group of Alberta farmers shared their deepest fears with me at the 2018 Agriculture Service Board Conference. They texted me their biggest issues regarding fairness in transition planning. I thought you might like to see what resonates for you in this list of texts (no particular order).

  • What I have had to come to grips with in our farm situation is that we have no next-generation farmers in a succession plan, while I have an emotional attachment to my land, my children and my brother’s children do not.
  • Listening to each other fairly is an issue. How to deal with non-farming family members.
  • Narcissists. Too much negativity.
  • Big talkers. People who overpromise and underdeliver. Not being forthright.
  • Overtaxation. Government policies. King Justin’s cut. Tax.

“All are created equal. Just some are a little more equal than others.” — Orwell.

  • My fairness issue is a small family farm with four daughters of whom only one wants to come back, but I fear having a split-up in that daughter’s family (divorce threat).
  • The older generation will not let go. Control issues. They expect me to farm the same way they did. Letting go.
  • Who gets the homestead?
  • How to be fair with three boys. Bringing kids into the farm.
  • Siblings. Having greedy siblings when fairness should prevail. Greedy sister-in-law. There is always someone who feels they have been done out of something. Almost everything is going to one sibling. Hard to deal with siblings who have never been on the farm.
  • Splitting up the farm. Balance between siblings. Having 10 brothers and sisters.

Sisters get half the land and the parents don’t want to talk about transition. Parents won’t let me buy out our sister. I pray my wife will inherit lots of cash so I can buy out sister. When I ask Dad about vision legacy he says, “build your own.”

  • Money. Money. Money. Should you be gifting the farm or selling it to them?
  • Second-marriage families.
  • Substantial increases in land values. “We have heirs to the loan, no heirs to the throne.”
  • Having one of four children on the farm. How soon do you have the succession talk? What ages of kids and parents are acceptable? Should you be looking at your farm more as a business and allow the children with the most capable skills to run and take over the spread?
  • Clarity in choice. Balance. Do it.
  • What do you do when it’s dangerous to have all family members sitting in the same room? Our issue is trying to have a conversation without someone getting angry.
  • Changing the guard. How do you get the founder to not have the “work all day” attitude, and how do you actually give the founder a deadline? How to step away from the farm activity?
  • Someone sent a colourful meme: “I guess it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind, it’s what you leave behind when you go.”
  • We need mechanisms that will allow for a reasoned financial entry point for specifically young/new farming family members.
  • Equality doesn’t always appear equal. So if we step back would step one not be to make sure the initial business plans for those currently owning or purchasing the business be to put our vision statements and goals on paper? Wouldn’t we make the future transition be easier if we started off on the same page with a similar vision?

(See the Farm Vision tool downloadable at Farm Family Toolkit on the home page.)

  • Transfer of decision-making. I struggle with taking over the management decisions from my father who wants to work in the business every day but never work ON the business. Working on the business is almost looked down on as avoiding “real work.” I think his generation was built on the basis of the harder and longer you worked the more money you made. Plus, he was subsidized by my mother’s nursing wage. It is a struggle to turn the farm into a stand-alone profitable business and support a different generation with increased lifestyle costs.
  • Fair isn’t always equal and equal isn’t always fair. Our daughter-in-law is a non- farmer. She has no interest in the family farm. (I am seeing this as a trend in agriculture now.)
  • Why should a son or daughter feel like they’re entitled to anything?
  • If I push too hard on tough subjects they may push me out.

What do you expect from parents?

Opportunity, love, support.

What is success to you?

Success to me is working alongside my hubby, raising our babies on our farm while maintaining a healthy relationship with my parents who own our farm and the rest of the family who is on and off the farm.

Success is ensuring everyone in our family has enough work to fill their time and enough time to do their work.

My definition of fairness is helping everyone be successful. If you would like a transcript of my notes text FAIRNESS (use ALL CAPS) in the message line to 1-587-800-4323 and you will get my thoughts on “FAIR,” financial transparency, attitudes towards money, intent, and roles and rebels.

My farm audiences are rich with ideas that are keeping them stuck, but when they start to drill down on what is the stumbling block to getting transition plans activated, it usually distills down to a fairness issue.

“Elaine, what’s been helpful in this discussion is to see and understand that others (families) are having similar issues as our family. We are not on the journey alone. Each business is as unique as a fingerprint and no two are the same. You can creatively structure yourself for future transitions. Communication is the key to the success of any business model,” says the Ontario farmer in my seminar.

Take a highlighter to this article and make your own personal list of fairness issues that your farm team needs to talk about. Don’t procrastinate. Don’t let the fear of conflict stop your discussion. You can do this. Remember, “Love does not read minds,” you need to share what is in your head and heart.

About the author


Elaine Froese is a Manitoba 150 Woman Trailblazer. She is passionate to guide farm families to find harmony through understanding. Her mission is for you to have rich relationships on your farm. Visit to learn more and book her for speaking engagements at



Stories from our other publications