I trust my family to do anything any- for me. If I m hungry, they feed me, if I m dirty, they clean me and if I m sad, they hug me. It doesn t get much better than that, does it? However, I can now with blinding certainty strike one task from the list.
The day in question started like almost any other innocuous and virginal in the blank slate that it offered. Let it be said that I had been toying with the idea of giving my one-year-old daughter a haircut for some time. The poor thing was born a hairy creature and she didn t lose it like most babies. Rather, it continued to grow at an exponential rate. Lacking the ability (or desire) to push her hair out of her eyes, it was time I did something about it.
Now I can do most things myself if I put my mind to it, however after a dozen or so wrestling matches with my son in an attempt to give him a haircut (cue images of steer wrestling, mixed martial art holds, Twister mats drenched in canola oil& all these images would work), I decided to enlist the help of an expert. In hindsight, the expert was a rather vociferous, self-proclaimed one let it be said my sister holds no certification whatsoever in the arena of hairstyling. At any rate, she offered to help and that was good enough for me.
So I packed up my daughter and we headed over to my sister s place. I asked her to take off a few inches. To preface this story, my sister insists that I tell you what she heard was, Make her look like Lloyd Christmas. (If you ve never watched the movie Dumb and Dumber, then give yourself a brain break and go rent it.)
My job was to hold the video camera to capture the inaugural first haircut. The first order of business was to introduce the concept of bangs so as to eliminate stray hairs from getting into her eyes. I must admit, the first cut looked darling. My sister occupied my daughter with a cupcake and snipped just above her eyebrows, revealing the perfect arches on her adorable face. At this point, I remember being momentarily distracted by my nephew and I turned to film him for a bit. Mere seconds later, I turned the camera back to the stylist and her prey, and damn near dropped the camera.
Me: What the @#$% are you doing?
Sister: I m layering the bangs a little to thin them out.
Me: What? You can t do that to a girl! She looks like the victim of accidental electrocution.
Sister: This is what I did for his (waving scissors in general direction of her son).
Me: Yeah, but she s not a boy. You can t layer the top of the head to make it spike out. That only looks cute on a boy.
Sister: Good point. @#$%. What do I do now?
Me: Well, it looks ridiculous. I guess you ll have to cut it all down to the shortest layer so at least there s a chance of it lying in a straight line.
Evil One: Hmmm& I ll see what I can do.
Now I ve been told a picture paints a thousand words& see in blinding detail, Exhibit A the result of my sister s I ll see what I can do. I believe it s called witchcraft.
She was quick to point out that the wraparound fringe was completely unintentional, as was the upward skewing to the left. And that avocado my daughter s holding in the photo? I believe she was intending to smash it on Auntie s head, however, she lacked the strength and requisite fine motor skills to complete said task. We thought maybe it would look better if we wet it down; this resulted in the complete and utter destruction of two grown women, as we lay rolling on the bathroom floor, our collective bladders releasing a little urine as they can no longer cope with this level of amusement.
So if your friend asks you to go as Dumb and Dumber for Halloween this year, don t bother fretting over who s Dumb and who s Dumber& that ll work itself out in the wash. Just insist they go as Lloyd and you stick with Harry.
JanitaVandeVeldegrewuponafarmnear Mariapolis,Man.Sheholdsabachelorof sciencedegreeinagriculturaleconomics fromtheUniversityofManitoba,andhas workedforafinancialinstitutionsince graduating.ShelivesinRegina,Sask.,with herhusbandRoddyandtheirchildrenJack, IslaandJames.Herfirstnovel,Postcards NeverWritten,wastherecipientofthe SaskatchewanReader sChoiceAwardand alsolistedbyCBCasoneofthetopfunny booksin2009.Shedonatesaportionof proceedsfromthesaleofherbooktoWorld Visiontohelpthoselessfortunate.Formore information,ortoorderherbook,visither websiteat www.janita.ca.