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Life’s secrets, according to you…

People of the world, tell me this — what’s the most embarrassing 
thing you’ve ever done? Part three

I’m guessing that all the bumping about on the ski jumps led to the serious loosening of my guts. As I was lining up for the chairlift afterwards to head back up, my stomach started making some very strange sounds. It felt like something was kicking me from the inside –—something large — with a violent temper. My friend was with me when I heaved myself back onto the chairlift. I was desperately trying to pay attention to her endless chattering, while all my focus was on not crapping in my ski pants. I was in a full state of alarm. Have you ever tried to cross your legs in an awkward attempt to squeeze your butt cheeks together really hard, while wearing skis that are six feet long, whilst desperately clinging to a chairlift? No? Then, I dare you.

The panic that overtook me can hardly be described. Here I was, hundreds of feet in the air stuck on a chairlift, in minus God-knows-what temperature, about to ruin my brand new ski pants. (Actually, they were my sister’s ski pants. Oops.) Noticing my discomfort, my friend asked me what was wrong and I told her that I didn’t know exactly, but I didn’t feel too good. I told her I had to go to the bathroom really badly, and that I didn’t know if I would be able to make it. I vaguely remember her asking what I meant exactly by not being able to make it. My answer came loud and clear. It was meant to be a tiny harmless fart to let some of the pressure escape, but it ended up being just a little bit more. A shart would perhaps not be the most apt descriptor for what befell my ski pants that fine day. Yes. This cat shat.

As Sigmund Freud so cleverly discovered when treating patients who experienced puzzling losses of normal functioning, the shame was merciless. I believe he used the term hysteria to describe the aftermath of such an event, and suggested an associated unconscious conflict. I can’t comment on the unconscious conflict, but the conscious conflict I was having at that exact moment was not to faint with embarrassment, for fear of plunging to my death. My friend was laughing so hard she almost knocked the both of us off the chairlift with her incessant shaking. As my good luck continued to run its course, she managed to catch her breath long enough to scream to our friends on the lift behind us, informing them of what had just happened. A voice like hers really travels through a mountain range; I’m certain only 400 fellow skiers, give or take, heard about my accident. At least it was contained to that. When you’re ready to die, 400 people isn’t that many. Did I mention I was suffering from hysteria? I made my friend ski right behind me all the way back to the chalet, just in case it was visible through my ski pants.

In the end, it sounded worse than it was. Although I did lose a few barrels of dignity that day, the ski pants were salvageable, and have since been returned to my sister.

Here forthwith, are the last entries of the most embarrassing things you’ve ever done. Thanks for the laughs!

In Grade 12 we were playing volleyball, and there was another game going on and the gym was full of people. We were warming up in the corner and another girl was stretching out my legs. I told her not to stretch too far because I had to “pass wind.” Well, she took that as an invite to “pump” it out, and moved my leg slightly too far and of course, I let it rip and it was LOUD!!! It stopped the play… everyone in the gym turned and looked at us. My coach was fuming red on the other side of the gym, and the entire team was laughing. Needless to say, this stuck with me and it was brought up in the historian speeches at graduation.

Luckily I don’t have that many… or perhaps I am just oblivious. Well, once at my friend’s house, she was cooking and the smoke alarm went off. I grabbed a dish towel and started waving it frantically at what I thought was the smoke detector… until she pointed out that it was the doorbell.

Countless hangover phone call apologies.

I was about 14, out with my friends on a very cool winter day… I had to go to the bathroom very badly and my friends were making me laugh. I ran into a local restaurant but didn’t quite make it to the bathroom in time. When I came out my pants were wet and my friends were gone. I took my jacket off and wrapped it around my waist as I walked home, alone, in the cold, with wet marks down my leg. I can’t believe I am telling you this!

I called my husband’s colleague’s 10-year-old girl a little boy… six people were trying to stop me and I couldn’t understand what they were saying over the noise of the crowd. OUCH. She had a GI Jane haircut. Not fair, really.

My gosh, where to begin!

I have many to choose from, but this one comes to mind because it’s recent. Stop me if you’ve heard this one… I was at a wedding and I fell backwards into a coat rack. The bride and groom, of all people, had to pull me out while my husband stood by laughing hysterically.

I have never done an embarrassing thing.

There are way too many to choose from!

How about the time I stayed overnight at my friend’s (on the next farm) and wet the bed? I was about eight… highly embarrassed!

When I was a lonely, single mom, I asked the pizza guy out to a movie. He said yes… then called back 10 minutes later and said no. Not my finest moment… I was just sick of going to movies alone. Ugh. Insert cringe here.

I was once at a wedding, and had gone to nurse my baby. When I came back, I was sitting at our dinner table for a good 20 minutes before anyone bothered to tell me that the top of my dress was still wide open.

I don’t think that should be told here.

Definitely my multiple public tirades before I learned how to keep the crazy under wraps. It’s ironic that people don’t remember every time I was pleasant and lovely, but I’ll be damned if they don’t remember EVERY TIME I had a bout with the crazy!

Hard for me to pick my most embarrassing… puking at a local pub after downing too many paralyzers. Or getting trapped in the outside lobby of an apartment building when going to get a pizza and being locked out, and having people seeing me lying there in my pyjamas (eating pizza, mercifully) as they head to work in the morning.

Nothing I can think of… I was too shy to step out and do something stupid. I thought about doing wild and crazy things, but never did them.

I’m pretty sure it’s something I should be embarrassed about, but was too drunk to remember. I am grateful every time I am on Facebook that it was not around during my aggie days.

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